


Temporary Refuge

by KrisLetang



Series: Demons [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Let's be real--Rafi is adorable, Mentions of Rape, Panic Attacks, Vacation, Why am I so angsty, mentions of abuse, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-18 08:19:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13096140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Rafael, who has been patient with you through every panic attack and bout of depression, is taking you to Hawaii, where you've always wanted to go. Why can't you just be excited? Second installment of the series.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Rating is for some later chapters. This happens six months after The Demons Inside My Head. It was supposed to be short, it got way out of hand, but oh well. I'd love comments. I'll try to post new chapters every couple days.

You stared at your suitcase, the one that you so hastily packed all those months ago as you fled Brooklyn. That night, you had been running from demons that still haunted your dreams, but now was different. Now was happier, at least that’s what you told yourself. Everything felt so muddled, so twisted up. You were in this black hole of despair and you couldn’t seem to dig out no matter how hard you tried. You had felt overwhelmed for a week or two now, you weren’t sure if it was nerves about the vacation, about expectations or if there even was a reason at all. Sometimes you just felt hopeless. Arms snaking around your waist startled you out of your thoughts, making you jump, “It’s just me, didn’t you hear me?” his warm breath tickled your ear. 

“No, I must have been distracted,” you pulled away, your voice soft. Rafael let you have your space, watching closely as you fiddled with the zipper of the suitcase, 

“Are you just going to stand there and stare at your suitcase or are you going to pack it sometime soon?” he teased, taking a seat on the bed. You avoided his eyes, taking a deep breath, 

“Oh, right,” you said, your cheeks reddening in embarrassment. Getting out of bed had taken a lot of coaxing from your thankfully understanding boyfriend, and the two of you were already running later than planned. It was good Rafael had left some cushion time when scheduling the day. You felt his gaze following you as you pulled clothes from your drawer, three bikinis that you had specifically bought for this, an arm full of jean shorts and tank tops, leggings, two flannels, a few dresses. You had picked out what clothes you wanted to take days ago so it didn’t take long for you to get everything packed up and ready to go. Once you were finally done, you took a seat on the bed right next to him and leaned into his arms, hoping desperately that being with him would soothe you as it had many times before. 

“What’s going on Y/N?” he asked softly, pressing his lips to your shoulder, “We don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” 

“No, no I want to go Rafi,” you hastily interjected, not really answering his question. Casey Mitchell was not going to ruin your trip to Hawaii. You wouldn’t let him take that too.

“Okay, well we better get moving here soon, security is probably going to be hell,” Rafael knew when to back off of a question. You quickly dressed in your designated ‘plane clothes’ while Rafael started to carry the luggage down to the taxi. You looked in the mirror, frowning at the dark bags under your eyes. This vacation was supposed to be relaxing, not stressful. “Y/N?” his voice sounded concerned, “Darling?”

“In the bathroom,” you called, touching up your makeup before tucking the little bag into your purse. 

“Hey, are you ready?” he asked gently, leaning against the door frame. 

“Yeah, yeah,” you whispered, running a hand through your hair, “Let’s go,” you intertwined your fingers with his, trailing him down to the cab. It took maybe an hour to get through security. You were glad to be seated afterwards, the anxiety about possible pat downs gone. 

“I know you said you aren’t hungry, but you didn’t eat breakfast, and I thought you might like this,” Rafael’s voice startled you as he sat down next to you, a half eaten sub in his hand. He handed you a plastic bag with a water and a fruit cup inside. You took the water, sipping it as you stared at the walls and listened to Rafael talk about your plans for the next two days. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders as you waited for it to be your turn to board. “Y/N?” he said softly, and you turned towards him, forcing a smile onto your face, “Did something happen at work yesterday?” 

“Why would you ask that?” you replied, distractedly twirling your fingers in the thin hair right below the hem of his khaki shorts. He frowned slightly, watching you carefully. 

“I was at the conference most of yesterday and then today, you don’t want to get out of bed. I can tell you’re upset,” he finally replied, eye brows slightly furrowed. 

“It’s nothing,” you whispered, still avoiding his concerned gaze. 

“Hey, if it’s bothering you, it’s not nothing,” he soothed his fingers through your hair, his nails gently scraping against your scalp. 

“Talk about it after the plane ride?” You asked, shutting your eyes and letting him comfort you. He hummed in agreement, resting his chin on the top of your head as you cuddled up against him. “Can we get in the hot tub when we get there?” you asked softly. You could feel the laughter vibrating in his chest, 

“Sure, if I don’t collapse into bed first,” he whispered against your hair, “You do realize this flight is going to take thirteen hours right?” 

“I know,” you replied, “What would be better than a hot tub after traveling for so long?” 

“I don’t know, a nap,” he retorted and you laughed, “Here, come on, it’s almost time to get on the plane,” You got up, following him to the back of the line. After the woman scanned your ticket, you headed inside, handing Rafael your bag to put up in the top compartment of the plane. You gulped slightly when you glanced at your ticket, the window seat. You would be trapped in the row, closed in. “Hey, you alright?” he asked, his eyes meeting yours as he moved aside to let you in. 

“Yeah, uh, yeah it’s fine,” you mumbled, sitting down in your seat. You were sweating now, your hands fiddling with your phone as you counted your breaths. Rafael’s eyes narrowed momentarily and then widened in realization. 

“Why didn’t you just say so? I’m sure whoever’s seat this is will be more than willing to switch,” he said, squeezing your arm. You nodded, tears welling up in your eyes. This was such a stupid thing to be stressed over yet there you were, “Hey, it’s not a big deal, it’s okay,” he whispered, pressing his lips to your temple, “I’ve got it,” It was only a few minutes before a young man made his way back to your row, and you practically hid your face while your boyfriend talked to him. You could feel your face burning with embarrassment as you moved to let him into the window seat. Rafael sat down and gently put a hand on your leg when you finally took your own seat, “See,” he whispered, “Nothing to worry about mi amor,” you kept your eyes on your phone which had started to buzz with text messages from Liv and Sonny. Apparently none of them had gotten the memo that you and Rafael were out of town. You started to answer one when Rafael plucked it from your hand, “Hell no, if I don’t get to work, neither do you,” you glared at him, but didn't argue. He tucked your phone into his pocket, “Now, how about we discuss where you want to eat,” You rolled your eyes slightly, he had given you a very long list of restaurants he wanted to try and asked you to pick your favorites. It was apparent to you that he liked to plan his vacations around where he wanted to eat, but you didn’t really mind--it was actually kind of cute. You passed the length of the first flight talking about restaurants and taking a short nap, slumped over on Rafael. You hadn’t slept very well the night before, so it was nice to get some rest. Rafael gently shook your shoulder when the plane landed, “It’s time to stop drooling on me and get off the plane,” he teased, laughing when you smacked his arm. 

“Give me my phone you asshole,” you whispered, trying to smooth your hair out. 

“Oh don’t be so grumpy,” Rafael murmured, still smiling as he handed you your phone. He grabbed the bags when the plane finally was docked at the terminal. Once you were seated at your new gate, you pulled out your phone and saw 9 missed calls from Sonny. “He can wait,” your boyfriend said, “Someone else can take care of anything pressing in the office,” 

“Can I at least tell him I’m out of town?” You felt bad leaving Sonny to try and figure out why you weren’t answering. 

“Then you’ll get roped into trying to fix whatever his problem is Y/N,” Rafael replied distractedly, his attention focused on one of his old, well worn books. You reached over and snatched it from his hands, being sure to carefully tuck his bookmark in before closing it. 

“If I don’t get to text Sonny, you don’t get to read. You have to amuse me,” you said, smiling at the scowl on his face. 

“Fine, what would you like me to do,” he asked, shifting around so he could face you. You opened up your phone, and he rolled his eyes when you handed it to him with Heads Up ready to play. Regardless, he still humored you, holding it up against his forehead. You played for awhile, laughing at him and enjoying his company. 

“Thank you,” you whispered after a bit, “I feel, I feel better,” His lips widened into a grin at that, 

“I’m glad I could help darling,” his voice was soft as he leaned in to press his lips against yours. It only lasted a second, but you savored the way his arm curled around your shoulder after that, breathing in his distinct, woodsy smell. The second plane ride was spent streaming movies onto Rafael’s phone and sleeping. You were completely exhausted by the time you landed in Honolulu. The car ride to the hotel wasn’t very long, but when you got there, all thoughts of enjoying the hot tub were drowned out by your need for a shower and then a nap. You quickly showered, climbing into the big, fluffy bed in nothing but a pair of panties and one of Rafael’s old t shirts. He flopped down next to you after his own shower, lazily throwing an arm over your waist before murmuring, “So much for the hot tub cariño,” 

“Oh shut up,” you whispered, rolling over to tuck your face against his neck. He shifted to wrap both arms around you, holding you tight for a few minutes, 

“Are you feeling better?” You more felt than heard his murmured question. You didn't answer, instead twisting your hands into his shirt. He smoothed his hand over your hair, your actions serving as enough of an answer to his question. “Well maybe some sleep will help,” you shut your eyes, slowly slipping into a restless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares and snuggles. Basically a lot of fluff and angst rn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy and I’d love comments as always. Thanks for taking the time to read :)

You sat on the bed, paging through Rafael’s copy of For Whom the Bell Tolls, your fingers slipping into the round divots in the cover that displayed the years of reading and rereading that it had endured. The bed dipped with the weight of another person, pulling your attention from the book to Rafael. His face was clean shaven and smooth, his lips curled into a smile, and his green eyes dark, pupils dilated. His gaze was fixed to your face, “Rafi?” You whispered, “Is there something you want?” He reached over, taking the book from your hands and setting it on the table before shifting over so his knee was resting between your legs, effectively boxing you in-exactly the way he knew you hated.

“Just you,” his breath was warm on your face before he started trailing wet, hot open mouthed kisses down your neck, a mixture of teeth, tongue and lips on your skin.

“Rafi,” you whispered, putting your hands between your bodies and trying to get him to stop, “Slow down,” his hands trailed over your sides,

“What do you think we’re here for?” he murmured, his lips glued to your pulse point.

“Stop, Rafi, I-I can’t okay,” you practically begged, but when he pulled back, it wasn’t Rafael looking down at you, but rather there was Casey Mitchell.

You jolted awake, taking in your surroundings, it was only a dream-you were okay-none of it was real. Rafael was still wrapped around you, and judging from the sound of breathing, likely still asleep. The slight pressure around your lower back made you squeeze your eyes closed, this was stupid, it was just his morning wood, there was no reason why that should freak you out. You weren’t sure how to untangle yourself in order to get the space you so desperately needed without waking him up which was quite possibly the last thing you wanted to do. You reached up, wiping at the few tears that had managed to escape your eyes, “Y/N?” his groggy, sleep rough voice startled you, “Is something wrong?”

“No, I’m f-fine,” you whispered, but the shaky tearful sound of your own voice gave you away almost immediately. Rafael rolled over, reaching for the light switch. He ran a tired hand through his hair, blinking the sleep away as he sat up and looked at you, his concern evident.

“What happened?” he asked softly, reaching for you, but you flinched, pulling away. He hadn’t been there during a nightmare yet, you hadn’t even told him you were having them, and you couldn’t take the feeling of his hands on your skin right now, not after that dream. “Are you having nightmares?” he asked gently, inching closer, “It was just a dream, it’s all over now darling, you are safe,”

“Please, don’t-I can’t take it right now,” you pleaded, shying away from his hands. He looked at you, hurt in his beautiful green eyes,

“I won’t hurt you,” he whispered, “Do you want to talk about it?” You shook your head emphatically. He would be mortified if you told him what had happened, “That’s fine then, you lay down, I’ll get you a glass of water,” He sat up in bed with you after that, not touching, but just being there. You eventually did grow drowsy enough to drift back into the darkness.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

The light pouring in the room was what pulled you awake the second time. The bed was empty, and you had no idea where Rafael could be. The shower wasn't on. You slowly got out from under the covers, searching the luxurious hotel room. You finally heard the soft snoring that meant he was currently sprawled out on his back when you neared the living room. He was half on the couch, half hanging off, blankets pooled around his waist to ward of the cold of the air conditioning. Guilt washed over you, he had hiked out here in the middle of the night because you had been so jumpy, and now when he woke up-oh god- his back was going to be a mess and he was going to be even more sick and tired of dealing with this. You carefully leaned down, ghosting your lips over his forehead, “I’m sorry Rafi,” you whispered before heading into the bathroom to grab a shower.

When you finally got out and toweled off, dressing in some jean shorts and a tank top, you quietly left the bathroom, hoping to let him sleep a little longer. The couch was empty when you walked into the living room, a crumpled up blanket left and no Rafael to be found. You could faintly hear something from what sounded like the bedroom. His voice was soft,

“When? No I can’t do tomorrow. How about tonight at midnight, could you do that for me? I can only come after she’s asleep,” he was quiet for a few seconds, “I’ll make it up to you, I know-look I have to go, I think she’s done in the shower,” You suddenly were so tense, tears pricking your eyes. He had been acting so secretive lately, and it was concerning you. Who the hell was he talking to? You shut yourself in the bathroom, sinking down to the floor where you hugged your knees to your chest, trying to keep from melting down. You would walk in the room and he would abruptly end a phone call or close a tab on his computer or phone. It had been bothering you for weeks, and you knew that he was putting up with a lot of baggage from you. You really didn’t blame him for being sick of waiting for you and starting to see someone else. You let out a long breath, you were being crazy, Rafael wouldn’t do that to you, you were letting anxiety overtake you. There had to be an explanation, but you couldn’t get the picture of him sneaking off to see another woman out of your head. Knock, Knock, “Y/N, are you okay? I ordered breakfast,” He jiggled the doorknob when you didn’t answer, “Please just say something so I know you’re alive in there,”

“I’ll be out in a minute,” you finally said, only loud enough for him to hear. You took a second to compose yourself before opening the door, and there he was, still looking disheveled from sleep, his brows etched with concern. He reached out to pull you closer to him, so he could hold you, but you took a step back.

“I think we need to talk,” he looked wounded by the rejection which sent another wave of guilt through you. You nodded, following him over to the couch, where he sat about an arm's length away from you. You felt a sinking feeling of dread because this was it, he was done dealing with your crap and he was going to break up with you and you were going to be all alone and miserable. Rafael opened his mouth, but words came tumbling out of your mouth before he could even say anything,

“I’m sorry I’m ruining this vacation-I just don’t want to disappoint you, I-”

“Woah, woah, woah slow down. Who said anything about ruining anything,” he interrupted your panicked apology, “And you couldn’t possibly disappoint me Y/N, you know I think you are very beautiful, but I am more than willing to wait until you’re ready. Nothing has to happen that you don’t want, nothing. Okay?” You wiped the tears from your cheeks, nodding as you scooted closer to him. He brushed a few strands of hair away from your face, kissing your forehead before intertwining your fingers in his lap. “Do you really think I would….” he trailed off, and you felt bad again.

“I don't ever know what to think anymore Rafael. You are a good, good man, but this vacation-I didn’t know what you expected and I didn’t want to let you down if I couldn’t,” you were actually crying now, you felt silly and stupid for getting so worked up and making him feel bad.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, his arms wrapping around your waist. You clung to him, your face resting against his soft t shirt, overcome by emotion,

“I’m sorry Rafi,” you whispered over and over again, why had you ever thought that he would-how could you even insinuate that about the most gentle man you had ever met. Sure he could be grumpy when he hadn’t had coffee or if he was stressed out, sure he might get so caught up in work that he would forget you had dinner plans, sure he wasn’t perfect, but Rafael would never, ever lay a hand on you, he would never, ever pressure you in anyway and you knew that.

“No Y/N, don’t apologize,” he murmured into your hair, “It’s okay, it’s okay,” His fingers sifted through your long locks, his other hand rubbing gentle circles into the small of your back.

“Where did I get you?” you whispered into his shirt. He chuckled, squeezing you tighter for a second,

“Somewhere horrible?” he joked,

“Definitely not,” you replied, laughing despite the tears still welling up in your eyes.

“I made you cry, again. I seem to be very good at that lately,” his voice was soft,

“You made me feel better Rafi, I wouldn’t be able to do this without you,” you tried to assure him, “None of this is your fault,”

“I know, it’s all his fault,” he practically growled, standing up, “I want to kill him,” it was barely audible but you still heard it. He swept his stack of books off the coffee table in a rare show of violent frustration. Rafael stalked off, leaving a path of destruction in his wake. He knocked over a few chairs, stepping out onto the balcony. You stayed on the couch, trying to give him some space to cool off. He had been so steady and solid for you, but you knew how much the whole situation bothered him. He tried so hard not to lose it in front of you. A knock on the door rang out in the otherwise silent hotel room. You answered it, stepping aside so the man could wheel the cart of food into the room. After he left, you headed over to the balcony and knocked gently on the door. Rafael was standing at the edge, leaning onto the railing and staring off at the ocean,

“Hey,” you whispered, wrapping your arms around him from behind.

“Hey,” his voice was soft, but his muscles were rigid.

“Breakfast is here. Come on in and we can talk,” you suggested, pressing your lips between his shoulder blades. He followed you in, righting the chairs he had knocked over and picking the books up from the floor before taking a seat beside you.

“I’m sorry,” Rafael whispered, “I shouldn’t have done that-I just wish I could help you more,”

“We are not going to let Casey Mitchell ruin this vacation Rafi. Let’s try and enjoy ourselves okay?” you smiled genuinely for the first time since the two of you had left. The air was cleared, and you felt a lot better about everything. There was no reason why the two of you should worry about something that was done and over with instead of having a good time. Rafael nodded, but he was quiet throughout the meal. He seemed to perk up afterwards though, smiling at your suggestion to get in the hot tub. He changed within a few moments, following you down to the pool area.

“I really like that swim suit,” he whispered, his arm curled around your waist. You smiled, smoothing out the palm tree fabric, you had bought it specifically for this vacation.

“Thank you Mr. Barba,” you whispered, “I quite like seeing you in swim trunks,” He laughed,

“Well I think that goes without saying,” he joked, laughing when you elbowed him in the side. You climbed into the warm water, sighing contentedly. Your muscles were still tight from all the travel. Rafael went to get drinks instead of getting in right after you.

“Hey gorgeous, you’re too pretty to be sitting in here all alone,” the voice startled you out of your relaxed state. When you opened your eyes, there was a young man climbing into the hot tub. The way he was staring made you uncomfortable. You smiled politely,

“Well thank you, but I-” he scooted closer to you, and your words started to catch in your throat. It was okay; you were fine. You counted to ten,

“She’s not interested,” Rafael’s tone was flat and you could hear a hint of menace in it as well. He was obviously feeling protective. The younger man held up his hands, retreating almost immediately. Rafael was thankfully smiling when he got in, handing you a drink before wrapping his arm around your shoulders, “You alright?”

“Thank you,” you murmured, nodding. The two of you spent hours talking, first in the hot tub and then later in the sand on the beach. Rafael eventually dozed off on his towel. You found yourself intently studying his peaceful expression. He looked so relaxed like this, the stress lines faded from his brow, his lips curled into a soft smile. You grabbed his book, paging through it while he slept. After about a half hour, he still was sound asleep next to you and it was blazing hot out. You couldn’t bring yourself to wake him up, but you also were sure as hell not going to deal with him whining about sunburn for the rest of the trip so you dug out the tube and squirted some into your hand. You did your best to warm it up by rubbing your palms together before starting to rub it into his back as gently as possible.

“You could have just asked,” his voice startled you.

“What?” you asked softly, frowning. You knew he was making some sort of joke by his tone, but what the hell was he talking about?

“Trying to cop a feel while I’m asleep, don’t you know that’s assault,” you could practically picture the smirk that was surely on his face. You laughed,

“Next time I’m just going to let you burn,” you threatened, but you finished rubbing the sunscreen in, “How’s your back?” you had noticed him grimacing slightly earlier and there was no doubt in your mind that it was due to the sleeping arrangements from the night before.

“Fine,” it was obvious he was lying. He was far too hasty to answer. You rubbed little circles into his muscles, trying to help in anyway you could, “Ungh do that again,” you giggled slightly, but did as he asked, working on his lower back.

“You are such a bad liar,” you whispered, laying down next to him and cuddling up against his side,

“Hi,” he murmured, moving his arm to lay across your back.

“Hi,” your voice was muffled by his shoulder.

“Having fun yet?” He spoke into your hair, still sounding like he was half asleep.

“This is very fun,” you accentuated your statement by pressing your lips against his chest, “But, if I catch you sleeping on the couch again, I will kick your ass,”

“What ever happened to just saying ‘I love you?’” Rafael muttered sarcastically into your hair, a rumble of laughter vibrating in his chest. “Also I think you missed a spot, I can feel my calves burning. As much as I’m enjoying this, you’re gonna have to move,” He rubbed more sunscreen onto his legs and his chest and neck for good measure before going to get the two of you another round. A flash of movement caught your eye, a little boy sprinting across the sand, screeching and giggling as he ran from his father. You found a smile pulling at your lips, envisioning a little boy with bright green eyes and a smart mouth. A hand waving in your face startled you, “What world travesty are you solving over there?” he teased, handing you a glass.

“Just thinking,” you whispered, looking over at his handsome face as he took a seat beside you, “Rafi?” you whispered,

“What’s up?” he turned towards you, taking a sip from his glass. You sipped your own drink, a little bit of liquid courage never hurt.

“What do you think about kids?” your voice was soft, a little bit unsure of what he might say.

“What, did you run out of small talk?” Rafael whispered after looking down at the sand for a few seconds. You looked away, you knew you shouldn’t have asked. He was deflecting, obviously uncomfortable with the question.

“S-sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“That was a joke,” when you looked back up, he was smiling softly and meeting your gaze. He went quiet for a few seconds, “I haven’t thought very much on the subject to be honest, but uh, I’m not against having kids,” it was silent between the two of you. “How about you?”

“I want kids,” you said softly, “Not right away, but soon,” you paused, “We don’t-we don’t have to talk about this right now, I’m sorry-I shouldn’t have said anything,” you finished your drink, standing up and reaching for his hand, “Let’s get in the water,” Rafael stood up, and followed you to the water. The both of you were quiet. You felt panic consuming you, why had you asked him that, you had messed everything up. He was obviously bothered by the conversation--cold water splashed over you interrupting your panicked thoughts. You were stunned, slowly turning around to face your smiling, laughing boyfriend who had signed his own death warrant.

“You looked like you needed some refreshment,” he teased, laughing harder when you jumped him and tried to shove him underwater. He didn’t go down very easily, but you eventually managed to drag him under. He ran a hand over his face and through his now soaked hair, still grinning. He pulled you closer, pressing his lips to your forehead, “Mmm, I like you feisty,” he murmured, “Well actually, I like you anyway I can get you,” his breath was warm against your lips as you laced your fingers through his hair and leaned in. His lips were soft and sensual as they moved against yours, one hand tilting your head up ever so slightly, the other resting on the small of your back. Being at the beach with him, away from the real world and your problems; it was perfect.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunch, a hike, and some smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's smut towards the end of this chapter. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and as always, I'd love any comments you want to leave. Thanks for reading!

You set the menu down, looking across the table at Rafael who was still scanning the choices. Your eyes studied the soft lines on his forehead, the slight purse of his lips as he considered his options. “Wow, I’ll have to wear this shirt more often if it gets you to stare at me like that all the time,” his voice startled you, your cheeks burning with embarrassment at being caught red handed. Why were you suddenly so embarrassed about this? He was your boyfriend wasn’t he. You had the right to stare. He, of course, chuckled when you said as much, almost immediately replying, “I guess I’ll allow it,” 

“Oh ho ho are we Judge Barba now, being a D.A. isn’t enough,” you teased back, laughing when he glared. The waiter came by, not allowing Rafael the chance to reply. He ordered a bottle of wine and an appetizer for you to share. “Rafi,” you said softly, looking up at him again, “Thank you,” 

He frowned, his brow furrowed, “For what?” 

“For all of this, for this trip, for being so understanding with me,” your reply was quiet, as you looked down at the table. Rafael reached across the table to cover your hand, 

“Hey, you’re so worth it,” he whispered, catching your eyes with his. He opened his mouth to say something else, but the waiter returned with your drinks and the appetizer, taking your orders. Rafael took a sip of his wine, “Um, we need to talk though. Earlier, I reacted really poorly to your question. You just caught me off guard, and,” he trailed off for a moment, “Let’s just say my childhood was not ideal, I had a very poor relationship with my father and it makes me nervous,” 

You weren’t sure if you wanted to know what ‘not ideal’ meant. “Well, we don’t have to make a decision about anything like that anytime soon, but I think you’d be an amazing dad,” you gently said, smiling. 

“You really think so?” his eyes were glued to his drink, his voice soft. This obviously wasn’t something small, and you were touched that he had decided to tell you.  
“I really, really do Raf,” you looked at him closely, reaching for his hands. Rafael cleared his throat, taking a breath, 

“I-I can’t promise you anything, but uh-I will think about it. I know it’s soon, and I don’t expect you to say this back to me, but I want you to know that I love you very much Y/N,” He met your gaze when he said that, a soft smile forming on his lips. You felt tears begin to prick your eyes, emotion overwhelming you. The two of you had been together for just under a year, and yet, somehow he had righted your upside down world. He was still helping you pick up the pieces of your broken self, smoothing out the cracks until you looked whole once more. All you could do was nod softly and squeeze his hands. A warm feeling was spreading throughout you, every time you looked at him, you felt butterflies. What did you ever do to deserve this man?  
……………………………………………………………………………………………………....

The sun was beating down on your back, your skin slick with sweat as you continued the climbing. “Are you trying to kill me?” Rafael grumbled from behind you, his breath laboured. It almost concerned you how red his face was. 

“Drink some more water and stop complaining. We’re almost there,” you replied with a soft laugh. He scowled slightly but did as he was told. You waited for him to catch up, admiring the flexing of his muscles as he moved. He had ditched his shirt almost fifteen minutes ago, the heat becoming unbearable. You grabbed his hand, thumb stroking over his wrist, “Don’t be so grumpy Rafi, I promise you’ll like it,” He rolled his eyes, but conceded a smile, “And remind me to take you to the gym more often, you look like you’re going to have a heart attack,” 

“You mean the one time a month that you go work out?” he retorted, raising an eyebrow, 

“That’s one more than you,” you teased, starting to walk again. Rafael was still trying to catch his breath. It was only a few more moments before you were finally there. You looked out across the land, the small clearing filled with the rushing sound of the small waterfall. A few trees provided shade to sit under. Rafael practically collapsed down onto the ground, sucking in air as he tried to recover from the long hike. You were breathing heavily yourself, so you interlocked your fingers, resting your hands on top of your head as you walked around. “Rafi, get up, you should walk around,” you called, but rather than replying intelligibly, he grunted, not moving from where he was laying. You laughed, coming over to sit next to him, “Are you okay?” 

“I’m perfectly peachy,” he grumbled, shutting his eyes. His skin was burning hot. You grabbed his shirt, dipping it into the water and coming back to rub it across his skin and cool him down. Rafael first sighed contentedly, his breathing beginning to even out to a semi normal rate, but then he opened his eyes and realized that you had dipped his shirt into the water, “Did you seriously just do that? Am I supposed to hike back with no shirt?” 

“It was practically soaked anyways and I brought you an extra one, so calm down,” you murmured, standing up once more. “Get up and help me lay this blanket flat,” Rafael slowly obeyed, helping you set up your little picnic. You handed him a sandwich, figuring he would perk up after he had something to eat. He quietly thanked you, taking a bite of his food and reaching for another water bottle. 

“Ian Sanchez, 9th grade. He was a junior, it was at homecoming,” the two of you had been laying around for hours, enjoying the outdoors and somehow had hopped down this bunny trail of a conversation about first kisses. 

“Oooh, you have a thing for latino boys cariño?” Rafael joked, 

“Only one, and I think he is very handsome,” you murmured back, laughing, “Your turn,” 

“Hmmm, I’m gonna need a minute, I’ve kissed a lot of women-ow hey,” he teased with a laugh, protesting when you smacked his arm. “Let’s see, I think it was 7th grade, her name was Ella Henderson. How about your first time?” Rafael accompanied the question by running his hand over your back. He was still sitting up while you had sprawled out on your stomach ages ago. 

“Oh, uh, that would be junior year, after prom. His name was Toby, he was captain of the hockey team, in his car. He didn’t even call me back,” you whispered, “I doubt yours is that pathetic,” 

“The only pathetic thing is that boy. That’s awful,” Rafael breathed, 

“Yes well, not everyone can be as perfect as you Rafi,” you sat up, shifting so you could lean into his arms, “Now do tell, what lucky girl got to be Rafael Barba’s first time?” 

“Yelina, 10th grade and what a mistake that was. She ran off with Alex not that long after,” his voice was soft by your ear, the smooth skin of his freshly clean shaven face pressing against your neck. 

“At least it wasn’t in her car,” you whispered glad when he laughed as intended, “How about first conviction,” 

“Jason Lyons, I convicted him of embezzlement and tax fraud,” Rafael replied almost immediately. You had to sit there and think about which case was your first conviction on your own. You had done more than a handful with Mitchell on as co counsel. “Well aren’t you a hotshot, too many to sort through?” He whispered, teasingly, 

“No, I just did 7 or 8 with Mitchell before he let me on my own,” you murmured, “But uh, I think my first conviction by myself was a stalking and forcible touching charge. Perp’s name was Tristan Jackson,” 

“Mmm,” he hummed contentedly, his arms wrapping around your abdomen. He was quiet for awhile, but you didn’t mind. “Y/N?” You more felt his words against your neck than heard them, 

“What Raf?” You murmured back. 

“How many kids do you want?” The question sent chills down your spine, was he warming up to the idea of children? You wanted nothing more than to have a baby with Rafael, you could imagine a little bundle of joy peering up at you with the brilliant green eyes that you so adored. You ran your fingers over the top of his hand, 

“Two or three,” you whispered, “But even just one would be enough,” He was quiet again for a bit, his soft breath tickling your skin. 

“Do you want to get in the water?” Rafael asked softly. You didn’t mind the subject change, he could take all the time he wanted to think about it. 

“Maybe I’ll put my legs in, I don’t really want to get all the way in,” you murmured. Rafael nodded, untangling himself from you and undressing down to his boxer briefs. You followed him to the edge of the water, sitting down and letting your legs soak while he slowly lowered himself in. He splashed you a couple of times, making you laugh. Finally it was starting to get late, so you packed up, starting the long trek back to the hotel. You had dinner plans in a few hours. The cooling air of the night made the hike a bit more bearable, and Rafael kept up with you this time. You sat on the bed while he showered and dressed in the bathroom. He finally emerged, dressed in khaki shorts and a hawaiian shirt that made you hide a giggle behind your fingers, 

“Come on, we’re in Hawaii, I had to,” he said softly, smiling, “Now go get dressed or we’re going to be late,” You stood up wrapping your arms around his waist, pressing a kiss to his cheek,

“I like it,” you assured him before heading into the bathroom for your own quick shower. You brushed your hair and put on your makeup before heading out to pick a dress to wear. Rafael was sitting on the bed, nose buried in a book while he waited. Finally finding one that vaguely matched what he was wearing, you dropped your towel, dressing over by the closet. You could feel his eyes on you as you slipped into your clothes. When you turned to look at him, he was looking back at his book, but you could see the the way he swallowed heavily. He was too much of a gentleman to have been staring, but he had definitely caught a passing glance. You felt a pang of arousal, something that you hadn’t experienced in a long time. You sat next to him just on the edge of the bed and sure enough his pupils were dilated, his eyes darkened with lust when he lifted his head, “Ready to go?” You asked softly, and he nodded, clearing his throat as he stood and slipped on a pair of Sperrys. You tried to focus on the dinner and what Rafael was saying, but you couldn’t help being distracted by the events of the afternoon. He didn’t mention a word about it, but it was all you could think about. You couldn’t remember the last time that you had simply wanted someone. 

“Y/N are you okay?” he asked softly as the two of you were leaving. You took a breath, 

“Can we go back to the hotel instead of going for a walk?” your voice was soft and a bit shaky, and he looked concerned. 

“Sure, of course, are you feeling alright?” Rafael gently ran his knuckles down your cheek, before quickly gauging your temperature. You just nodded softly, reaching for his hand as you headed out into the night air. Once you were back in the room, he headed over to the fridge, pulling out a water bottle. 

“Rafi,” you whispered. He looked up at you, “What if I wanted-what if I wanted to try something,” 

“That depends, what would this ‘something’ be?” he asked. You nervously bit your lip before answering.

“I want-, can we try sex again?” you decided being blunt was the best option. He would want to talk before anything happened. He studied your face for a second, 

“We talked about this, you know I have no expectations right?” Rafael asked softly, stepping closer to you. You nodded,

“Yes, I know, I just want to try again okay?” it was silent for a long time, but he finally looked up and leaned in, kissing you. His lips were soft and gentle, fingers tangling in your hair, but it was far too short,

“Okay, alright,” he murmured, his face only inches away from yours, “If you get uncomfortable, you tell me right away and we’ll stop. How about I go get some wine?”

“Wine sounds perfect,” you whispered, watching as he disappeared into the other room. You could faintly hear his voice as he ordered from room service. Nervous flutters of anxiety were beginning to freak you out. The last time you had tried this, it had ended in nothing short of a disaster and a repeat performance of that would be a nightmare. Rafael was smiling gently as he returned, two glasses and a bottle of red wine in his hands-had they already delivered it and everything? Oh God, your heart was practically beating out of your chest. He sat on the edge of the bed, his hand going to your thigh, 

“Breathe, we’re going to go slow,” He was rubbing gentle circles into your leg as he spoke. You gratefully took the glass of wine that he handed to you, gulping down close to half of it. “Woah, hey, slow down, I’m trying to get you relaxed, not drunk,” 

“Drunk sounds perfectly fine to me,” you whispered, your hands shaking as you brought the glass back up to your lips. Rafael was watching you carefully as he sipped his own wine, 

“Are you sure about this Y/N, please be honest with me,” he finally asked softly. 

“I’m sure Raf, I want to try. I trust you,” it came out immediately. He took the glass from your hands, setting it on the nightstand along with his own. 

“Do you want me to take off your clothes or would you like to?” Rafael whispered, shifting so he could sit between your legs. 

“You,” again your response was automatic, leaving you no time to question the decisions you were making. Rafael smiled comfortingly, leaning in to kiss you. You tried not to think about what was happening and enjoy the feeling of him, but you were hyper aware of his hands that rested on your hips, 

“Try and relax Y/N,” he murmured against your neck, trailing his lips and teeth down to your collarbone. You focused on breathing and slowly felt the tension seep out of your muscles. His deft fingers unhooked the back of your dress and lowered the zipper, grazing along your spine on the way down and sending chills throughout your body and then his lips were back on yours, passionate but gentle and his tongue was slipping into your mouth, one hand gently angling your face up. Your hands curled into his shirt, practically clinging to him. Pulling back slightly, Rafael reached up and brushed some hair from your face, “Lift your hips for me,” You did as he asked, allowing him to pull your dress down and off, dropping it beside the bed. “Okay?” he whispered, thumb rubbing gentle circles against your hip bone. You could feel yourself shaking slightly, “I’ve got you,”

“Can we stop for a second?” you asked softly, and he immediately was off of you. His shorts brushing up against the inside of your leg was starting to throw you into a flashback, panic starting to coil in your gut. You stared at the ceiling fan trying to breath evenly, It’s Sunday August 13th, I’m in Hawaii, I’m okay, you repeated the mantra over and over again in your head for a few moments. “Okay,” you grabbed his hand, trying to pull him closer, but he looked hesitant, “I’m good Raf, I promise,” he did finally lean forward again, connecting your lips for a gentle kiss. Your hands hastily went to his waist, nervously fumbling with his belt, but he gently laid a hand over yours, 

“Let me,” he whispered, unhooking the clasp himself, but leaving it hanging from his hips as he focused his attention back on you, 

“Rafi, take off your pants,” you whispered. He laughed at first, looking like he might make a joke, but he quickly sobered, realizing how serious you were, “Please,” he nodded gently, his thumb tracing the line of your jaw briefly before climbing off the bed and stripping. You relaxed a little more when he settled back between your legs, pressing his lips to both your shoulders, hands reaching around to unclasp your bra. 

“Better now?” He whispered, fingers just barely ghosting over your skin. 

“Thank you,” You murmured, nodding and still a little tense, but you were as comfortable as you were going to get. Rafael was slow and gentle, kissing his way across your body before hooking his fingers in your panties and dragging them down your legs. He worked his way lower and lower, swirling his tongue in your navel. You tangled your fingers in his hair, back arching slightly as he dragged his tongue across your clit. All of your breath left you in a gasp, “Unnghh Raf,” 

“That good?” he whispered cheekily, hands curling around your thighs. Rafael propped your legs up on his shoulders, licking broad stripes through your folds. Your hips involuntarily rocked forward against his face and you could feel his smile. Teeth scraping gently over your clit, he stroked the back of your leg with his fingers, “Fingers okay?” he whispered, pulling back slightly, you nodded, legs tightening around his face as he slipped two long fingers inside of you. You were consumed by him, the world slipped away, everything slipped away, and it was only you and Rafael. Finally with a flick of his tongue and his fingers curling just right to hit that spot inside of you, you came apart, pleasure coursing through you like fire in your veins. Everything went black. When you finally opened your eyes, blinking at the light, the world felt hazy. You were boneless, laying on the bed, sheets loosely wrapped around you. 

“Hey,” Rafael’s face appeared in your vision, his voice sounding like it was miles away. His fingers gently brushed some hair from your face. 

“How long have I been out?” you asked softly, 

“Only like five minutes, I just finished cleaning up,” he murmured. 

“What about you?” you tried to sit up, but he put a hand on your shoulder, 

“Relax, I took care of it myself, just rest mi amor,” Rafael sat on the edge of the bed, stroking his hand across the exposed skin of your thigh, only wearing boxers. Tears began to fall from your eyes uncontrollably, you couldn’t hold them back, “Hey, what’s wrong, was it too much?” the concern in his eyes made you cry harder. You were shaking with sobs, clinging to him when he shifted to fully sit on the bed. He sifted his fingers through your hair, murmuring soothing words, “Y/N what’s going on darling?” 

“It’s okay, I’m okay,” you managed to whisper between shaky breaths, “I just didn’t ever think I would be able to-thank you,” Rafael shifted around to press his lips to your forehead, holding you tight to him, and repeatedly kissing your face, tears of his own mingling with yours. 

“You’re going to get through all of this, I promise, we’re going to get through it, together,” he guided your face against his neck, resting his cheek on the top of your head and stroking your back, “I’ve got you,” 

It was ages before either of you spoke, but you were the one to break the silence. “Rafi?” your voice was soft and muffled. 

“Hmm?” 

“I love you,” and you did, you really, really did. He had put you back together and helped you start to heal. He had saved your life. He had been there when you had no one else. He had been so patient and understanding. He had loved you unconditionally, and you couldn’t wait any longer to tell him how much you felt for him. 

“Took you long enough,” he whispered, obviously teasing. His voice was heavy with emotion. You laughed softly, despite yourself, groaning as you rolled over. Your muscles ached, and you were exhausted. “I love you very, very much,” that was the last thing you heard before you slipped into the darkness of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A cozy morning is ruined. One step forward, but two back, and a development on the Rafael front.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of craziness in this chapter. Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me with comments. I hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you think.

Soft breathing against your neck, bright light shining throughout the room, the smell of sweet ocean breeze filling the air. You blinked the sleep from your eyes, still feeling absolutely boneless. Rafael’s arm was curled around your waist, his head right beside your own, sprawled out on his stomach, legs tangled in yours. You laid there, content to study his face as he slept. His lips were curled up into a soft smile, a few wayward strands of hair in his face. You could stare at him all day. Your phone buzzed from where it sat on the nightstand, and you couldn’t help but pick it up to see who it was. Your blood ran cold. You scrambled out of the bed, dropping your phone onto the floor as you headed to the bathroom. You felt like you were going to be sick. It couldn’t have been more than a minute after you stumbled into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind you that Rafael knocked, “Y/N? What’s wrong?” His voice sounded groggy, you must have woken him up in your haste to get up. “Open the door?” Your chest was heaving, terror gripping you, but you opened the door anyways, 

“H-he’s texting me Rafael, I can’t handle this, why can’t he just leave me alone,” you whispered. 

“Who’s texting you? Mitchell?” you could only nod. “Okay, come sit down on the bed, I’ll get you a glass of water,” Rafael sat next to you, handing you a nice glass of water to sip and helping you to slip into one of his discarded button downs. “Breathe, it’s okay Y/N, he can’t hurt you. I won’t let him,” You nodded, wanting desperately to believe him, but panic was beginning to eat away at your sanity. How depressing was it that one text could turn your mental state upside down? “I’m going to draw you a bath, let’s just relax today and not worry about him, I’m going to stay right here with you,” 

“He’s sick, he loves messing with me,” your voice was teary as you stood up, dragging a hand through your hair. “And I can’t-I can’t take it,” 

“Can I read it?” he was still sitting on the bed. You looked down at the floor, fingers curling in the fabric of his shirt. It still smelled of his cologne. You were filled with shame and embarrassment, you couldn’t bear to tell him about the sick and twisted game that Mitchell had subjected you to. 

“This isn’t the first time,” it was barely audible. Rafael’s jaw clenched. You quietly picked up the phone, refusing to look at him while you unlocked it and handed it over. You couldn’t watch as he read the messages that were burned into your memory like he had branded them there.

'You still owe me that dinner date darling.  
I can’t wait to have your pretty lips wrapped around my cock.  
Stop pretending you don’t want me.  
Everyone knows you’re just a little slut.  
I have reservations at your favorite restaurant, you should join me.'

There were pictures of you, of Rafael, menacing messages, he constantly tried to act like you were in a relationship, lewd messages. He had been tormenting you for weeks. Your boyfriend stood up, silently walking into the bathroom. You heard water start to run, was he angry you hadn’t put an end to it? Panic started to coil in your gut, tears falling from your eyes again. As soon as he reappeared from the bathroom you immediately blurted out, “I’m sorry, I should have made him stop, please don’t be mad,” he looked completely taken aback, 

“No, no, no, Y/N, I’d never be mad at you for this,” He came closer, arms enveloping you into a hug, “I’m not upset with you, I promise. There’s a nice warm bubble bath in there for you,” you twisted your hands in his tee shirt, holding him close for a few extra minutes. You finally freed him, heading into the bathroom and stripping down. The water was heavenly, the smell of lavender filling your nose. The warmth helped to relax your muscles. Rafael quietly came in, sitting on the edge of the tub area and handing you a glass of wine, 

“Join me?” You asked softly, but he shook his head, 

“I’m going to go for a walk, I need to clear my head,” Rafael said softly. You took a sip of the wine before nodding. Rafael reached over, brushing hair away from your eyes. “I’ll be back soon, we can go out for lunch,” He disappeared, leaving you to your own thoughts. You hadn’t been able to bring yourself to fully recount your assault, and Rafael hadn’t pushed. He didn’t know anything more than the basics of who, where, and when. You wanted to open up to him, to tell him all about it, but it felt so impossible. After a while the water started to cool so you climbed out, stealing Rafael’s favorite soft Harvard sweatshirt and pulling on a pair of lacy panties before climbing back into the bed. You turned the tv on, but muted it, laying curled up under the covers, telling yourself it was going to be okay. 

You had no idea how long it was before the sound of the door opening sounded out in the otherwise quiet room. The curtains were drawn and it was dark. “Y/N? Why’s it so dark in here?” you didn’t answer, “Hey,” he brushed a few fingers through your hair, “What’s up?” 

“Nothing,” you murmured, shutting your eyes, 

“Do you want to go for lunch now?” you didn’t even turn over to face him. “Y/N,” he whispered, “You're upset with me?” 

“No, I’m just tired of everything,” your voice was small. Rafael laid down beside you, throwing an arm over your waist and pressing his lips to the top of your head. 

“I know,” the two of you laid there quietly for a long time. All you could do was cry, Rafael’s words couldn’t soothe you this time. You needed to let it out.

“You know the day after it happened, I almost killed myself,” you didn’t know why you decided to reveal that out of nowhere, but it came out. Rafael didn’t say a word, rather letting you say what you wanted. “I had sleeping pills, I had the bottle out, I was going to take them, but that was the day you texted me for the Nuñez file. Somehow you were there when I needed you,” 

“Good thing we started working together earlier that week then, huh?” he asked softly, his tone light, but his arms had tightened around you considerably. “Thank you for telling me that,” he didn’t let you go for a very long time. “Room service sound okay?” he eventually asked. 

“Sure,” you laid there while he ordered. You wanted so desperately to not be feeling like this. You wanted to get up and go out for lunch with Rafael and smile and laugh and be happy but he took all of that from you. Rafael came back, sitting down beside you, 

“Come on out to the couch, we can watch a movie. I’ll make you some tea,” he offered. You were tempted to refuse to get up and lay there for longer, but that would be letting Mitchell win. Instead, you quietly stood, taking the hand Rafael offered and sitting down next to him on the couch. He leaned down and kissed your forehead and then disappeared towards the kitchen area. The mug he brought back was warm in your hands. Rafael sat next to you, draping an arm over your shoulders, and turning the tv on, “Do you want me to do something about this, or do you want me to stay out of it?” the question came out of nowhere. 

“What is there to do about it?” you asked softly. You appreciated Rafael’s offer to help, but Mitchell wasn’t going to stop no matter what he did. 

“I can talk to him Y/N, I’m told I can be very persuasive,” his joke made you laugh a little bit, 

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt for you to try,” you whispered. 

“Alright, I’ll pay him a visit once we get back,” Rafael promised, sealing it with a quick kiss. You were quiet throughout lunch, trying to focus on the movie to distract yourself from worrying about Mitchell. Rafael took your plate, setting it on the coffee table and leaning in to kiss you, “Let me help you relax,” He whispered before connecting your lips. It caught you off guard, so you did little more than let him kiss you for a few moments, “okay?” He whispered breathlessly, lips moving to your neck. You nodded, running your hands over his hair and trying to relax. His hands rested on your hips for only a moment before sneaking under the hoodie you had stolen, “Mmm, you always look so pretty in my clothes,” his lips latching onto your neck right above your collarbone forced a gasp from your lips. “Like that?” He asked before doing it again. By the time he decided to move on, there was a nice, purple mark coloring your skin. Soft fingers circling a nipple had you leaning into his touch. When he peeled your panties from your hips, he whispered, “Mm I like these,” and suddenly you weren’t in your hotel room with Rafael anymore, but rather being pinned down to the carpet with Casey Mitchell’s disgustingly hot breath by your ear-

“Ooh what do we have here? I like these panties Y/N, you little slut. Did you wear these for me?” And he slipped them into his pocket before pinning your wrists above your head-You nearly shoved Rafael into the coffee table, trying to push him off. He was stunned only momentarily before immediately getting off of you and sitting about an arm's length away on the couch. “Y/N,” he said carefully, “Talk to me, what’s going on?” You quietly took the panties he was holding, slipping them back on and wiping the fresh tears from your cheeks. You dropped your head into your hands, trying to regain your bearings. Your whole body was shaking with quiet sobs, 

“I hate myself,” you whispered, “Why can’t I just-why won’t it stop,” The couch dipped when Rafael scooted closer, 

“Hey, I’m right here, what happened? What did I do?” He asked softly. You could hear the fear in his voice, he was terrified that he had hurt you somehow,

“I hate him,” you whispered, “I hate him so much,” you could feel your cheeks reddening, what Mitchell had said was so humiliating. “Rafi,” You murmured turning to lean against him. He squeezed you tight to him for a second, 

“I’m listening when you’re ready,” the soft assurance was whispered into your hair. You were quiet for long time, leaning into his embrace and whispering to yourself,

“It’s Monday August 14th, I’m in Hawaii, I’m okay,” you had been using this strategy to help you calm down for months now, and usually it did help with panic attacks, 

“That’s it Y/N, listen to my breathing and try to calm down,” you hadn’t even noticed how erratic and shaky your breaths had become. Finally you were sniffling, hands bunched in his shirt,

“It was what you said,” you stopped talking, hoping it would be enough to appease him. You should have known otherwise, 

“What I said? What do you mean mi amor?” he pulled back to look at you, his brows knitting together with concern. You bit your lip, telling him felt so impossible, it was so embarrassing. You took a few breaths before whispering what Mitchell said to you. Rafael tensed up, “Darling, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know,” 

“I know you didn’t Rafi, it was just like I was back there in his office again. I’m sorry I almost knocked you into the table,” you replied, shutting your eyes, 

“Don’t you worry about that. Let’s get out of here for awhile, we should go down to the hot tub again,” he suggested. You didn’t move for a few moments, wanting to stay in his arms forever. Finally you did get up, changing into a bikini and then heading downstairs with him. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders once you were in the water. “Talk to me about our kids,” Your gaze snapped over to his face, there was no way you had heard him right, 

“What?” 

“Tell me about the kids you want to have with me,” he whispered, gently stroking his thumb over your hand. “I want to hear about what you want Y/N,” he was trying to distract you, you knew that, but you couldn’t say you weren’t intrigued. 

“Well, I want a little girl, I think she’d be such a daddy’s girl, and she’d hopefully have your eyes, I love your eyes,” you whispered, “And you know she’d be stubborn because both of us are. And then I’d want a boy, one who looks just like you, he’d have my sense of humor, maybe he’d play baseball or be in the band, I don’t care. If we had a third, I’d want another boy, maybe he’d have my hair, my mouth, but your nose,” Rafael laughed, 

“I’m liking this more and more,” he whispered, kissing your temple. He was quiet for a few moments after that, and when you looked over at him, he had a far off look in his eyes. You reached down, squeezing his hand. He looked like he was carrying the world on his shoulders. 

“It’s okay if you aren’t ready for that Rafael. We don’t have to talk about this right now,” you offered. He shook his head, 

“I-I’m fine-it’s fine,” he assured you, forcing a smile onto his face. You knew that look all too well, having worn it yourself far too many times. He wasn’t fine, but whatever was bothering him was not something he wanted to share. “Do you ah, do you wanna go for a walk?” You nodded softly, toweling off and heading back to the room to get a shirt or something to slip on. Rafael got himself a tshirt and sunglasses while you dug a flannel out of your bag. The weather was a bit cooler than it had been the prior days. The sand felt soft under your feet as the two of you walked along the ocean edge. It was late afternoon already, turning in slowly into evening. Your fingers were loosely tangled together, quietly taking in the scenery. Rafael had been almost silent for a while, so it startled you when he suddenly spoke, “Y/N?” You looked over at him, waiting for him to continue, “You trusted me with your secret, so I’m going to tell you mine. My dad, he used to beat my mother right in front of me, he was a drunk and he beat me too,” his words hit you like a bus, they had come out of nowhere. “I want to give you everything in the world, I want to have kids, but…”

“You’re scared,” you finished, all the pieces finally falling into place, “Rafi, you’ve never so much as raised a hand at me, you aren’t your father and you won’t just magically become him because you have kids,” 

“I know it’s stupid-“ 

“It’s not stupid Raf, it’s just not true though, you have no reason to be afraid of yourself,” you interrupted, the pad of your thumb running across his cheek as your fingers tangled in his sideburns. 

“You promise?” He whispered, unshed tears filling his eyes. It broke your heart that this had been bothering him so much. 

“I promise,” you repeated, cupping his jaw and bringing his lips to yours. His hands slipped under your flannel, resting right above the waistband of your bikini bottoms. “Let’s change and get dinner,” you suggested after he finally let go of you, “You always feel better after eating,” 

“You know me too well,” he whispered as you headed back towards the room. 

“Well I would hope so,” you replied, “We’ve been dating for almost a year,” 

“Has it really been a year, it’s felt like a breeze,” Rafael looked over at you, “I’ve just been so happy,” 

“Yes well I’m very glad you put up with me, god knows I have enough baggage for the both of us. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” 

“Oh hush, you’re no trouble and you know it,” Rafael immediately replied, 

“Oh come on Rafael, that’s bullshit, remember when you hadn’t slept in like 48 hours, and I called you at 1 am to come over because I was having a panic attack, and you came over anyways,” you shot back. 

“And I got a very nice night’s sleep cuddled up with you in bed,” he immediately countered, tapping your nose before unlocking the room. 

“You are so full of crap, you passed out and slept until 3 pm and then couldn’t walk right for a week because my mattress screwed up your back,” you followed him into the bathroom. 

“You and my damn back, I’ve dealt with chronic lower back pain for the past two years, and you are more worried about it than me,” 

“Well I hate seeing you in pain Rafa,” you whispered, straightening the collar of the shirt he had just pulled on. 

“I’m a big boy, I can dress myself you know,” You rested your cheek on his shoulder, 

“I know,” He finished getting dressed and you dug out the pair of leggings you had brought. It wasn’t long before you were heading out the door to go get dinner. You found yourself unable to sleep later that night as you held Rafael in your arms. He was quietly snoring, peacefully off in dreamland, but all you could do was run your fingers through his chest hair. You were too overwhelmed. 

“Mmmm,” he groaned, rolling over in your arms. You tensed up, trying not to wake him, and relaxed when he settled down again, facing you this time, “What’s keeping you up?” his soft, groggy voice startled you. At first, you weren’t sure if he was actually awake, so you didn’t answer, instead reaching to grasp his hand. Then you were met with his beautiful green gaze as he opened his eyes, “Earth to Y/N,” he teased, smiling softly. 

“Oh, uh, I don’t know,” you whispered, pulling his arms around you. Rafael pressed his lips to your forehead before closing his eyes again. You bit your lip, “Rafi,” you finally whispered.

“Hmm?” he asked, likely half asleep again. You considered chickening out again and telling him tomorrow, but you wanted him to know,

“I uh, I just want you to know, I know I said I really want kids, but if you think about it and you really are uncomfortable, I don’t want to push you into that. You are enough for me,” his eyes shot open once more, arms tightening around you, 

“Y-you would give up having kids, for me?” his voice sounded so broken. You had never seen him so vulnerable. Did he always put on a brave front for your sake? It was obvious his childhood still bothered him, but now you were wondering just how often he thought of it. 

“Yes Rafael, you’ve already done so much for me,” you cradled his head, fingers running through his dark locks. His arms curled around you, clinging for a few moments before pulling out of your hold. 

“I need some water or something,” he murmured, “Do you want anything?” Rafael was choking up, and for whatever reason he didn’t want you to see it. 

“No, I’m fine,” you said, sitting up and putting a hand on his shoulder blade, “You okay Raf?” He didn’t answer, standing up and disappearing out the door. You sat there in bed, waiting up for him, but he didn’t come back. After about fifteen minutes, you grew tired of waiting and climbed out from under the covers, heading off to go find him. He was sitting out on the balcony, head in his hands. “Rafi?” You whispered, opening the door, “Hey,” he wiped at his eyes. 

“Sorry, I uh, I never thought-I was nervous to tell you about my dad and you’ve completely just taken it in stride,” his voice was small. You knew exactly how he felt. Guiding his head against your chest as you sat on the arm of his chair, you leaned down and pressed your lips on top of his hair, 

“I know Rafa, I know it was hard to tell me that. Thank you for trusting me,” You murmured, “It changes nothing about us,” it was exactly what he had done when you had told him about your assault and it had made a world of difference. He was quiet again for a while, 

“You know, I was scared that if I told you, you might be afraid of me,” Rafael was sighing contentedly as you soothed your fingers through his soft locks, but the soft confession caused you to still. 

“I would never be afraid of you,” you said seriously, brushing your fingers through his hair again when he nudged your hand. “I promise you are nothing like your father Rafael,”

“How can you be so sure?” You leaned down and kissed the top of his head again, 

“Because I know you Raf, you’ve never so much as raised a hand at me, hell you barely yell when we fight,” 

“I want to believe you,” but I can’t. It was the part he left out that was the most telling. 

“Did you know Liv’s dad was a rapist? Does that make her a bad person?” Normally you wouldn’t have divulged a private conversation like that, but you knew Liv wouldn’t mind you sharing her story if it meant Rafael would realize that he didn’t have anything to worry about. Providing him with tangible evidence was often an effective strategy as Rafael was nothing if not reasonable. 

“No,” he finally conceded, “No, it doesn’t,” his eyes were glued to the skyline. 

“Now come on, let’s go back to bed,” you whispered, grabbing his hand and tugging gently. He followed you silently, heading back towards the bedroom. Rafael actually did smile at you when you sat down in bed. He seemed to be really thinking over and considering what you had said. You wound your arms around his waist, kissing the back of his shoulder, 

“I really am okay Y/N,” Rafael whispered. You weren't sure if you could believe him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff on the beach, some hot and sexy time back at the hotel room and then some seriously angsty conversations about childhoods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoys this. Thank you guys for the comments. Editing note--I had to change something small with the timeline, before it mentioned that it was mid October. Due to some shifting I had to do with the storyline down the road, I changed it to mid August. I'd love any more comments people have with suggestions or observations or criticisms (constructive). Again just thank you so much for all the kind words I've already received, they really make my day. Enjoy!

“So I was thinking,” you turned to look at Rafael, who was sprawled out in the sand beside you. He traced the divots in your hand as he spoke, “I’m supposed to go out for lunch with my mom when we get back. Do you, maybe, want to come with?” it wasn’t like you hadn’t met his mother, you had a few times, but those lunches were special to Rafael. He always made it a point to take his mother out at least every other week and would stay out for hours. Inviting you meant a lot. 

“Of course Raf, I would love to,” you whispered. A grin spread across his face, and he peeked up at you. He had seemed so relaxed despite the serious conversations you had just a few days before; he hadn’t even mentioned it since. You laid back down against the sand, looking up at the sky and closing your hand around Rafael’s. “I never want to go back,” you whispered. 

“I know how you feel,” he murmured, “I would stay here forever with you if I could, but real life is calling,” 

“What do you think will happen when we get back to New York?” you asked softly. With this whole thing getting serious, it was getting to be time to let people know about your relationship.

“The squad will have blown up without us?” Rafael teased, humor laced through his tone. You smacked him lightly, 

“You know what I meant,” 

“Relax, I’ll call the DA, and we can go in and disclose, it shouldn’t be a problem Y/N,” he curled his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him and nuzzling his face against the back of your neck. “You think they’ve guessed we’re on vacation together yet?”

You giggled slightly, “I bet they can hardly wrap their heads around the fact that we’ve been gone so long,” Rafael let out a hearty chuckle, his lips ghosting across your skin, 

“I don’t think I’ve taken off more than a weekend at a time before this,” his voice was muffled by your hair. You sighed, shutting your eyes and enjoying the feeling of his strong arms enveloping you. You weren’t surprised he didn’t go on vacation very often, not that he wasn’t attentive or anything, but he was a bit of a workaholic. You told him as much, earning another laugh. You loved the sound of his laugh, you could listen to it all day. “Sounds like the pot is calling the kettle black darling,” Rafael whispered by your ear. 

“Mmmm, really, I’m a workaholic?” you asked, amused. Rafael laced his fingers between yours, 

“Honey, a few weeks ago, I had to pry the Ramirez file from your hands to get you to go have dinner, which might I add was the first meal you ate all day because you were so worked up about the trial,” You didn’t answer, instead just shutting your eyes. You could happily fall asleep right there. 

“She reminded me of myself,” you finally whispered. Rafael pressed his lips to your shoulder, 

“You couldn’t lose, I know how that feels,” he replied, “We should probably head back soon, we’re supposed to be getting ready for that boat thing,” 

“Can’t we stay a bit longer?” you rolled over to face him and pouted. He cupped your jaw, brushing the hair from your eyes, 

“Ohhh, don’t make that face at me,” he whispered, groaning, “It’s an hour back to the hotel Y/N, come on,”

“Pleeaaaseee Rafi,” you begged, putting on the full puppy dog eyes. He let his head fall back against the ground, sighing dramatically, 

“I guess we can stay for 10 more minutes,” you smiled at your victory, laying your head down against his sternum, listening to his heartbeat. The beach was a nice little secluded area on the Northwest shore, and there was absolutely no one else there. The two of you had been laying there for hours, talking and enjoying each other’s company. The soft sound of the waves crashing had almost lulled you to sleep more than once. Rafael’s hands moved to run across the bare skin of your back, fingers tracing up your spine. 

“Let’s go cariño,” he started to sit up, laughing when you whined and pushed him back down, “Y/N, come on,” you sighed, getting off of him finally and standing up. He brushed the sand from his back, handing you a towel and heading towards the parking lot. You let him drive, preferring to watch the scenery pass by. The hour to the hotel seemed like nothing. You laid on the bed while Rafael took a shower, smiling when he came out in only a towel, “All yours,” 

“You better not have used all the hot water,” you whispered, pulling him closer for a kiss before heading into the bathroom. 

“Maybe you should have joined me,” he playfully responded with a smirk. 

“Yes well maybe next time,” you immediately responded, smacking his ass lightly on your way into the bathroom. When you finally came out, Rafael was pulling a shirt on and combing his hair, 

“Can we talk for a bit?” he asked softly. You felt your stomach drop, 

“Y-yeah sure, what’s up?” you asked softly, facing the wall as you slipped into a blue sundress. Rafael’s serious tone had you worried. 

“Uh, I’ve been thinking,” every word coming out of his mouth made you more nervous. “Not now, but uh, eventually, I think I’d be open to having kids,” you whipped around, a grin spreading across your face, 

“Really?” you asked, and he just smiled softly. You raced over, almost knocking him over when you squeezed him into a hug. One hand on the back of his neck, you pressed your lips to his. He was stunned for a moment, just letting you kiss him before he finally wound his arms around your waist and ran his tongue across your bottom lip. You pulled away, faces still so close that each of his breaths tickled your lips, “Hopefully they look like you,” you whispered and he laughed, leaning down to kiss your exposed shoulder and continuing to hold you tight. 

“We need to get going darling,” he finally whispered, untangling himself from your embrace and heading over to the chair in the corner. You couldn’t help but give Rafael a once over as he walked away, were those new pants? You were sure you would have remembered them, they fit him snug in all the right places and overall looked extremely flattering. He sat down, starting to pull on his shoes, but you suddenly had another idea. He was so worried about going on this boat ride, but honestly, you weren’t too concerned about it. The two of you went for rides on yachts back in New York when you had a weekend and this was nothing too different or special. Besides, you were pretty sure he wouldn’t mind the alternative you had in mind. 

“Rafi,” you took a few confident steps towards him, “How bad do you really want to go on this boat ride?” He gulped slightly at your close proximity as you planted your hands on the armrests to either side of him. Instead of giving him time to answer, you immediately started trailing kisses down his neck and unbuttoning his shirt. He made a noise that was somewhere between a gasp and a moan,

“Y/N,” he whispered, eyes fluttering shut, “You don’t have to-,” you interrupted him with a soft squeeze to his hardening dick. “I know last time I—oh god,” he hissed as you applied a bit more pressure, “but you don’t have to,” 

“I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to Raf,” your hands fiddled questioningly with the clasp of his belt, lips latching onto his ear lobe, “What’s it gonna be babe?” Rafael’s breathing was speeding up, but he still seemed uncertain, “Just let me give it a try Rafi, we can stop if it goes bad,” 

“Okay, fine,” he conceded, and you smiled, pressing his shoulders back until he was relaxed. Quickly undoing his belt, you nudged his legs apart and sunk down to your knees. Rafael groaned softly, head falling back against the chair. You smiled cheekily, unbuttoning and unzipping the khaki pants and pulling them down his hips. His shirt and jacket were wide open, pants pooled around his knees, and and you tugged and touched him until his hard on was obscenely stretching the black boxer briefs that remained. Biting down on the waistband, you dragged the black material from his hips, finally freeing him from his constricting clothing. “Oh my god Y/N,” he whispered, “You’re so gorgeous,” and then your lips were around him and a strangled moan escaped his mouth. His hands were on the armrest of the chair, turning white as he gripped, but when you took him all in, humming softly, they quickly tangled in your hair as he let out a string of soft Spanish profanity. He made a soft sound of protest when you pulled off, starting to teasingly nip at his inner thighs, so you laughed softly and appeased him by wrapping your hand around his cock, giving him a few tugs and swirling the precome around with your thumb. A few more teasing licks and you took him back in your mouth. A strangled groan forced its way from his mouth when you swirled your tongue around the head of his dick. He looked utterly debauched, head thrown back, eyes half lidded and his jaw slack, a red blush slowly traveling up his neck and it was quite possibly the hottest thing you had ever seen. You traced the vein that ran down the underside with your tongue, enjoying the weight of him in your mouth before gently applying suction. “Ay dios mio,” up until this point you had been pinning him to the back of the chair, but you relinquished your grip, letting him shallowly thrust his hips. You peered up at him through your eyelashes, hands resting on his quivering thighs. He was starting to come apart, thrusts growing messier, and you could tell he was fighting to keep them gentle. You choked slightly when his hands tightened in your hair, hips snapping up too hard. He immediately stilled, “Shit,” his voice was breathless, “Oh my God, Y/N, I’m so sorry,” you had pulled off, resting your cheek against his inner thigh as you tried to catch your breath. You had to shut your eyes for a moment, you wanted to tell him it was okay and you were fine but you were too busy trying to fight off bad memories. The sensation of not being able to breathe was all too familiar to you-His lips were muffling your sobs, hips still grinding into you softly. Tears blurred your vision. You tried desperately to pull your hands free from his bruising grip, but it was no use. His lips trailed down to your neck, and you tried to gasp in breath, but you were still sobbing and ended up uselessly hyperventilating. Your chest ached from the erratic breathing, tears still pouring from your eyes-You blinked the images away, reminding yourself that this was your boyfriend and you were okay. Rafael’s hand was softly running through your hair, and shaking slightly. You gently rubbed the outside of his leg, trying to quickly regain your bearings. 

“Just give me a second, I’m okay,” you managed to whisper. 

“Are you sure? I can finish this up myself if you want to stop darling, I understand,” his voice was wavering slightly. 

“I’m good, you didn’t hurt me, I just needed to catch my breath,” you replied, pushing yourself back up to your knees. Rafael gulped slightly, his taut muscles relaxing when you started to rub soothing circles into his thighs. You gave him a few tugs, trying to get him back in the mood. He had softened considerably, but quickly he was erect again and groaning at your touches. It didn’t take long for him to tense up, your name falling from his lips as he came. You stood up slowly, trying to calm your breathing. Rafael had his eyes closed, head resting against the back of the chair. You ran a hand through his hair, “You good?” You whispered.

“I don’t think good quite covers it cariño, give me a couple minutes and I’ll take care of you,” he replied, half heartedly trying to wiggle out of his shirt with out actually sitting up. You got a washcloth, starting to wipe him off and laughing when he pulled you down for a kiss, tasting himself on your lips. “You are amazing,” he whispered when he finally let you go. You smiled, catching his lips again before murmuring, 

“Yes, well you waited a very long time for that,” 

“And I would have happily waited however long you needed,” he replied, kissing your temple. You smiled sitting on the arm of the chair and leaning into his embrace. He let go of you just for a second to shimmy out of all his clothes and pull his boxer briefs back on before pulling you down onto his lap and holding you tight. “You’re sure you’re okay? I’m really sorry about earlier,” you turned and pressed your lips against his clavicle,

“I’m perfect Rafi,” you murmured, “Don’t you dare stress about what happened,” he rested his chin on your shoulder, shutting his eyes. He was true to his word, taking a few moments to recover before nudging you towards the bed, undressing you, kissing every inch of skin he could get to, and bringing you to your second orgasm of the week. You felt a little silly when you started to cry again, but you couldn’t even begin express how much he had saved your crumbling life. He was your rock. Rafael quietly just held you in bed until you calmed down. 

“You good?” He whispered, when you were finally just sniffling instead of crying. You laughed softly, wiping your eyes, 

“I’m better than good,” you replied. 

“Good,” he murmured, kissing the side of your neck, “Want room service?” You nodded softly, closing your eyes just for a second. 

You blinked, the darkness fading as you slowly sat up. Rafael wasn’t in bed anymore, but you couldn’t have dozed for that long because the food wasn’t there yet. You sighed, laying back down and closing your eyes again, maybe he was in the bathroom. You weren’t ready to leave this little paradise, but with only a few more days left of your vacation, real life was calling. You could hear Rafael talking softly in the hallway, his voice growing louder and louder and his footsteps approached, “It’s gonna be a half hour before I can get there, I know, no she’s asleep. Tomorrow. Okay look, I’ll see you soon, no, thank you,” and suddenly you were feeling sick to your stomach. You had forgotten about how secretive Rafael had been recently, but you were questioning him again. You squeezed your eyes closed even tighter, he wouldn’t do that, he loved you. You felt the bed dip and his hand start to run down your side, “Babe,” he whispered, “Wake up,” you rolled over to face him. He was shirtless, his khakis unzipped and and unbuttoned, but on. 

“What Rafi?” You asked softly. He frowned, 

“You alright? You sound upset,” he stood up and pulled on a polo, 

“Fine,” You whispered, sitting up in bed and pulling the sheets up. Rafael sat down again, reaching over to pat your hand, 

“You sure?” you didn’t want to lie to him, but you sure as hell couldn’t tell him that you were terrified he might be cheating on you. You ran a hand through your hair, 

“Yeah, yeah, it’s nothing,” you forced a smile onto your face, “Something you wanted to tell me?” 

“Right, uh, the food is here,” he gestured towards the cart that you hadn’t even noticed, “I’ll be back, I have to go and run an errand really quick, shouldn’t be more than an hour,” he pressed his lips to your temple and then pecked your lips. You squeezed his hand, 

“Rafi,” he looked back at you, “I love you,” he smiled, 

“Love you too mi amor,” he murmured, finally pulling away and disappearing out the door. You sat in bed for fifteen minutes, too worked up to eat, and too upset to do anything other than lean your head against the headboard and fight tears. If you couldn’t trust him, what was the point of all this? He didn’t deserve your doubt, it wasn’t fair to him. Finally you did get up, dressing yourself and turning the tv on for some distraction. Your phone dinged on the table beside you, so you picked it up, 'Want me to bring back some ice cream?' You smiled, tears still in your eyes. Rafael always found a way to make you feel better, even when he didn’t know what was actually wrong. You texted him back, wiped the tears away and started to pick at the fruit he had ordered. He was in an incredibly good mood when he got back, humming softly and smiling very widely as he poured himself a glass of wine. True to his word, he had a carton of chocolate ice cream in a plastic bag. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered, straightening the collar of his button down that you had slipped on. Rafael slipped his hands underneath the fabric, resting them on your sides and a soft smile playing on his lips. “I just want to hold you forever,”   
“You want to watch a movie?” you whispered, still trying to ignore the screaming panic inside of you. This was stupid, he wasn’t cheating, he wouldn’t. His hands ran over your smooth skin, 

“Sure, but I don’t know how much attention I’ll be able to pay to the movie with you sitting next to me,” you held tight to him, laughing softly at his joke. You both settled in on the bed, eating dinner and watching a movie that you picked. The grin plastered to his face never wavered, and you could feel his eyes on you during the movie. 

“Where were you?” You tried to seem casual, but it had been eating at you for hours. Rafael’s grin grew bigger if that was even possible. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss you when he saw the look on your face. “You’ll know soon enough darling, I promise. I have a surprise for you. It’s nothing bad,” Just hearing him say that made you feel better. 

“So are you glad we missed the boat ride?” You asked softly, leaning against his chest, 

“Are you kidding? Boat ride or blow job, what a hard decision,” his voice dripping with sarcasm. Your laugh was muffled by his chest. He gently ran fingers through your hair and down your back. Your face was pressed up against his now bare skin, eyes shut and hands curling around his sides. He was quiet for a while, holding you tight. Was he even still awake? You opened your eyes, intending to peak up and see if his eyes were open, but instead they were drawn to a small, raised pink mark on the inside of his arm. It couldn’t have been more than an inch and a half, it was thin, but it looked like it had hurt. 

“Rafi?” you murmured. He only hummed in response, so he wasn’t asleep, but he seemed exhausted. 

“Something you want?” he asked gently when your fingers ghosted through his chest hair, 

“Never mind,” you whispered, he probably didn’t want to talk about it. He shifted around, hand resting between your shoulder blades. You couldn’t keep your eyes off his scar, 

“Oh,” he whispered. “That’s-uh, it was a long time ago,” 

“Your dad?” You asked softly, hoping it wouldn’t upset him. He was quiet again and you felt bad. Was he mad? God knows he was hurting, that was obvious to you, but you wished he would talk to you. At the same time, you knew how hard it was to talk about something like that, it had taken you a very long time to tell Rafael your own story and he still barely knew anything in the scheme of things. 

“It’s from a belt,” he murmured by your ear, “The buckle actually, split the skin right open,” you must not have been able to mask your horror as well as you hoped because he ran his hand up and down your shoulder before repeating his statement from earlier, “It was a long time ago darling,” 

“Did you get stitches?” your voice was shaking slightly and so was your hand as you reached out and ran a finger gently over it, 

“No,” he whispered, “No stitches, bled all night though. Kinda scared me as a little kid,” You shifted around so you could lean forward and press your lips to his arm, 

“I'm here for you if you,” You said gently, trying to coax him into talking to you. He smiled a little sadly at you before looking down at your lap. You couldn’t help but reach up and run your fingers through his hair, trying to comfort him,“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” 

“Sometime, someday I’ll tell you all about it,” he promised, brushing some hair away from your face. “Don’t you worry about me,” Rafael reached over to hit the light, “I’m tired, let’s get some rest,” long after his soft breathing had evened out, you were still awake, staring at his soft features that were relaxed for once. How could someone ever hurt him? You asked yourself over and over, but there was no answer to be found. You hated how scared he was of himself, and you hated yourself for not realizing earlier that there was something wrong. You had been so focused on your own problems that you hadn’t even noticed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the last couple days of their trip, Rafael has a big surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short, I'll try to get the last chapter up tomorrow. I hope you guys enjoy and I'd love any comments you want to leave. Thanks!

The smell of coffee filled the room, warm ocean breeze tickling your skin and the sound of footsteps growing closer. It wasn’t until Rafael’s hand started rubbing circles on the small of your back that you fully woke up though, “Hey mi amor,” he whispered, pecking your cheek, “Breakfast is here, and I have a surprise for you,” he whispered. You rolled over on your back, pulling him down for a kiss. His tongue was warm in your mouth, the taste of coffee lingering on his lips. You pulled away, pouting and pulling him down beside you, 

“Mmm thirty more minutes Raf,” you whispered, shutting your eyes again and trying to snuggle up against him. You jumped when his fingers dug into your side, tickling you, 

“Stop it,” you gasped, trying to wiggle out of his grasp as you laughed. He chuckled softly, kissing your cheek, 

“Now get up,” he insisted. You groaned, smacking his shoulder as you sat up, 

“I hate you, you know that?” he just laughed at your statement, half dragging you out to the couch. He seemed way too excited. You, on the other hand, were not excited, tomorrow was your last day in Hawaii, and you wanted nothing more than to stay there forever with him. Your mood was brightened when he revealed the fluffy pancakes he had ordered, 

“Chocolate chip, just like you like them, and here’s some coffee, french vanilla latte,” his hands rested on your shoulders, fingers starting to rub the tension from your muscles. 

“You are spoiling me Rafi,” you whispered, leaning your head back against him. 

“Hey, so I have to run a couple of errands this morning, but I got you a spa appointment and I’ll meet you there later and take you to your surprise,” he murmured by your ear. Rafael wrapped his arms around you from behind, squeezing you for a second before standing up straight. “Wear something fancier,” he called from the bedroom where you assumed he was getting dressed and doing his hair. You finished eating, heading back to find him. He was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom, shaving his face. 

“What like a nice dress, a sundress, a nicer shirt?” you asked softly. 

“Wear that white strappy dress you brought,” he replied, wiping off the shaving cream with a warm towel, “I like that one,” He started coiffing his hair after that, combing product into it. 

“I’m getting in the shower,” you whispered, wrapping your arms around him for a second, 

“You should have said something sooner, if I hadn’t started on my hair, I would join you,” he replied, turning his head to catch your lips. It felt so domestic, but you adored it. Every moment of spending this vacation with him was absolute paradise. 

“Mm, maybe next time,” the warm water was soothing and helped you to feel relaxed. By the time you got out, Rafael was nowhere to be found. You spotted a note on top of your dress that he had thoughtfully laid out for you before he left. You brushed your hair, did your makeup and got dressed. You were pulling on your sandals when your phone started to ring on the nightstand. Blocked Caller was displayed across the screen. You declined the call, sitting down on the bed and trying to combat the icy terror that gripped you. Why did he get to you like this? Who cares if he called, but for whatever reason it really bothered you. Really, really bothered you. Your phone started blaring again, but you were too busy trying to breathe to pay it any attention. You had to sit down on the bed and get your head between your knees to try not to faint. And then your phone was ringing again. You snatched it up,

“Hello?” You asked, still rapidly sucking in air. 

“Y/N, it’s me, are you okay? You sound upset?” Rafael’s voice was gentle, 

“I-” you shut your eyes, ragged breaths filling the silence before you started to cry. 

“Hey, do you want me to come back? I can swing by for a bit if you need me before I finish what I’m doing,” he offered. You wanted to answer him and tell him you were okay, but being in his arms sounded like nothing short of heaven at the moment. 

“Please,” you managed to whisper. 

“Okay, I’ll be there in ten minutes, try and calm down for me darling,” you shut your eyes and focused on his voice. 

“I hate this, I hate this,” the repetition of your whispered words was a minute comfort, something small you could control in your world that was spiraling. 

“Y/N, listen to me, breathe, I know it hurts, I’m going to be right there soon,” he was trying to do something, but you were too far gone to be helped by his voice over the phone. You needed him to enclose you in his strong arms and kiss your face, and make the rest of the world melt away. Finally, finally, he was bursting in the door, “Y/N? Where are you cariño?” he eventually made it to the bedroom, coming slowly to sit beside you on the bed, “What happened?” he asked carefully, brushing a piece of hair from your eyes, but you didn’t answer right away, instead flinging yourself into his arms and burying your face against his shoulder. His fingers immediately were buried in your tresses, combing through the loose locks and holding your face against his chest. 

“He c-called me,” you whispered, fingers practically digging into his sides as you clung. “I know it’s stupid, I wish he couldn’t get to me like this. I just can’t take him harassing me, all I can think about is his hands,” you shuddered, “his hands all over me, pulling at my clothes, his hips lazily thrusting against mine, he was so gentle and it made it so much worse. I begged him to stop, but he just laughed and told me--” you trailed off. 

“Alright,” He whispered by your ear, “Listen to my breathing and try to calm down. Let’s count, in for four, through your nose, that’s it, now out,” your chest felt tight, nausea starting to rise up, but you were feeling less shaky in his tight embrace. You sat there for God knows how long, softly sobbing into his nice shirt and thanking the lord that Rafael was so good to you. Finally you were a sniffling mess, gripping onto his hands, “Babe, how many panic attacks have you had recently?” his whispered words pierced the silence. 

“I don’t know,” you replied miserably, “I’ve lost count,” 

“I don’t like this Y/N,” he was always worrying about you, but it seemed to be serious concern this time. Rafael brought your hands up to his lips, “You’re shaking darling,” you were quiet, still trying to completely calm down. “You said he called you?” he asked gently. You nodded, leaning forward again so you could lean your face against his neck and breathe in the comforting scent that was so uniquely Rafael. He seemed to sense you wanted to drop it. “Okay, alright, well are you still up to go out today?” He had been working hard on whatever this surprise was, and you weren’t going to ruin that. 

“Yeah, just uh, give me a few minutes to fix my makeup,” you tried to pull away, but he squeezed you tight for a moment, not allowing you to escape his arms, 

“No rush, it’s okay if you don’t want to Y/N, I promise I won’t be upset if you’d rather just stay here all day and relax,” his words were murmured into your hair, lips pressing against the top of your head over and over again. “Here, let me make you a cup of tea, you’re still shaking. I think there’s some tea bags in the cupboard,” you nodded softly, wiping your eyes and then standing up to follow him to the couch. He wrapped an arm around your waist, walking you out to the sitting area, wrapping a blanket around your shoulders while he headed into the kitchen to get you a drink. When he returned with a warm mug, you smiled softly and took it. 

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, sipping from it, “I shouldn’t have asked you to come back, you were busy and I-this is dumb,” 

“Oh hush, this is not dumb. I was glad to come here,” he assured you. You finished the tea, feeling considerably calmer afterwards. 

“Okay, I’m going to go fix my makeup and then we can leave,” you started to walk towards the bathroom, but he grabbed your wrist gently,

“Are you sure?” his green eyes displayed his concern, “We can do this tomorrow if you want,” turned back, shaking your head and pulling out his grasp, 

“I’m sure Rafa, just give me a couple minutes?” Rafael nodded, standing up. You hadn’t even barely actually looked at him before that. His baby blue shirt had a big wet spot where you had buried your face. He had probably spent a half hour picking his outfit if he had something special planned for later. “Sorry about your shirt,” you whispered. 

“What this? Who cares,” he called, heading into the bedroom. You quietly went to the bathroom, trying to rectify the mess that your makeup had become. When you came back out, Rafael was standing by the bed, shirtless, sorting through hangers of button downs. You came over, sitting down beside him and watching as he held shirts up in front of himself. You grabbed a purple one from his stack and a white one, 

“Wear this, it brings out your eyes,” you whispered holding up the purple one, “Or the white one, it matches my dress,” He smiled taking the white shirt from your hands. 

“And this one won’t be too hot,” he added, slipping it on. You helped him button it, straightening the collar out and then hugging him, 

“Thank you for coming back Rafi,” you whispered, sighing contentedly when his arms wrapped around you automatically, 

“Anytime you need me, just call,” he whispered before pulling away and taking your hand, “Let’s go, I’ll drop you off at the spa and I’ll be back for you later,” The two of you headed down to the car, and Rafael held your hand the whole way to the spa. You waved at him as he drove away, and headed inside. After telling them your name at the front desk, you found yourself in a quiet room with a bathrobe to change into. You suddenly were feeling a little anxious, after your morning, you weren’t sure if another man’s hands—no, Rafael would know better. Thinking like that would just put you on edge. You changed into the robe, sitting down and closing your eyes. 

......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

When Rafael picked you up, you felt so relaxed. He had thought of everything, asking for a woman therapist, getting you a deep tissue massage that completely relaxed your muscles, he had even sprung for a manicure and pedicure. You didn’t even want to know how much money he had spent so far on this trip. He was smiling, leaning against the front counter and handing over his credit card. “Well don’t you look glowing, they make you feel good darling?” he asked softly. You pulled him down for a kiss, groping around for his hand, 

“I love you, you know that?” 

“I will take that as a yes,” he laughed, tucking his wallet back into his pocket and kissing your cheek. “Let’s go, it’s almost time for dinner,” It was surprisingly dark outside, 

“How long have I been here?” you asked incredulously. 

“A couple hours, you didn’t get here until 2, slept in pretty late this morning,” he replied, “I made you sure you would be kept occupied,” 

“It felt like an hour maybe, I was so relaxed, I can’t believe you did that Rafi,” he grinned at your words, 

“Anything for you mi amor,” he led you to a car, but it wasn’t your rental. He held the back door open for you, sliding in beside you afterwards and draping his arm over your shoulders. You leaned against him, running your hands over the fabric of his khaki shorts. 

“I never want to go home,” you whispered. He leaned down lips ghosting across your cheek again, 

“I know, this is perfect,” you turned to meet his lips with your own. He was surprised for just a second before melting into the kiss, “Just us,” he whispered breathlessly against your lips in between kisses. Finally he pulled away completely, “That’s enough,” he laughed softly, “Let’s not get carried away, we have dinner plans that I am not willing to miss this time,” You shook your head at him, smiling as you leaned your head against his shoulder. You were quiet for the rest of the ride, face resting against the side of his neck, lazily kissing his skin every now and then. Rafael ran his hand down your back, shutting his eyes. When the car stopped, he leaned over by your ear, “Stay here for a second Y/N, I’ll be right back for you,” and then he was gone. You watched as he talked to a sharply dressed man, disappearing from view after that. You looked out the window, admiring the beautiful view. The white sand of the beach looked soft, the sun was still in the process of setting, and you could see the water over some of the brush. A soft knock on the window startled you, Rafael had some how managed to sneak up on you, opening the door of the car, a bouquet of white flowers in his arms, “Ready?” you nodded, taking his offered arm as you climbed out of the car and took the flowers. 

“What are you up to?” you asked, but he just smirked, leading you through some trees to a little hidden part of the beach. Your breath immediately left you and you stopped short, 

“Like it?” he asked softly, nudging you forward. You almost tripped over one of the dozens of candles that rested on the sand and on the little table. Rafael pulled out the chair for you to sit in, heading over to his own seat. “Better close your mouth before you catch some bugs,” Rafael whispered, smiling smugly. You laughed, still kind of shocked at your surroundings. It was breathtakingly gorgeous with the sunset right in view. 

“You did all this for me?” you asked, looking around, 

“No, I did it for my other girlfriend,” he chuckled, “Of course I did this for you,” You shook your head at him, 

“I can’t believe you-this is all too much Rafi, you’ve surely spent far too much money on me so far-” 

“Shhh,” he whispered, reaching for your hand, “Let me do this, don’t worry about that right now. Tomorrow you can yell at me all you want about it, but not tonight okay?” you nodded, about to ask him what you were even doing here when the man you had spotted talking with your boyfriend earlier was suddenly beside you. 

“Good evening, I’m Ryan, and I’ll be your server tonight,” he handed you a menu and set wine glasses down on the table, “Your menu has a list of the drinks we have here tonight, Mr. Barba tells me you like wine, might I recommend starting with a glass of our Napa Valley Chardonnay to accompany the lobster and then our Cabernet Sauvignon to accompany the steak?” Your head was spinning, the surprise of everything was almost overwhelming. 

“You good darling?” Rafael asked softly, looking overly proud of himself. When you didn’t answer right away, he looked up at the server, “How about we start with a glass of champagne and give her a chance to think,” he said, reaching over to pat your hand. 

“Sorry,” you whispered after Ryan had left, “You really, really caught me off guard with this Raf,” He smiled, 

“Take your time, there’s nothing to be sorry for,” he nudged the menu over towards you, pointing out the listing of food for the evening. You appreciated the heads up as you scanned over the five course meal. “Maybe that will help you pick the wine,” Rafael seemed content to sit back and watch you enjoy yourself. Finally Ryan was back with the drinks and you were settled on your wine selections. Rafael smiled at you while he sipped his champagne and ate a few bites of the seafood appetizer. 

“You, you are the most wonderful man,” you whispered, looking up at him, “I don’t know what I’d do without you Rafael Barba,” he looked down at his hands, smiling softly, 

“The feeling is mutual Y/N,” he assured you. You enjoyed dinner with him, talking and laughing and just feeling so loved. 

“I’m stuffed Rafi,” you whispered, it was almost dark, and you were feeling just a little buzzed, and very, very full. 

“If I have dessert, I don’t think I’ll be able to fit into these pants anymore,” he commented with a smile. 

“That would be such a shame,” you whispered, “Those pants make your butt look cute,” 

“Cute?” He asked, wrinkling his nose a bit, “Maybe hot or sexy?” 

“How about….both,” you conceded, laughing at him. “But I do find you very cute,” 

“Are you guys ready for dessert?” Ryan asked, interrupting your conversation, 

“How about you have that boxed up and sent back to the room for me,” Rafael asked, smiling, “But we will both have another glass of champagne please,” the two of them seemed to share a secret look that you weren’t privy too. 

“Of course,” you looked over at Rafael who was smiling. Rafael stood up once Ryan had left, and you started to push yourself up as well but he shook his head, 

“Stay there,” he came over to stand by your chair, reaching to take your hands in his, “So I’m not going to bore you with speeches of my love and adoration because frankly I think it’s cliché and you don’t need it, but uh I know I’m a lot happier when I’m around you, you’re the strongest woman I know, and I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather spend my life with,” he said softly, and at first you weren’t quite sure why he was saying any of that to you, but then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a little box, dropping down to one knee. “Marry me?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut and then a panic attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end of Temporary Refuge, but I have a third part on its way. Chapter 1 should be out in the next couple of days. Thanks for reading and for all the lovely comments I've received so far. They really do make my day! Enjoy!

Your head was spinning, and at first you were fixated on the sparkling ring and completely speechless, but finally your eyes landed on his face and you realized he had asked you a question that required an answer, 

“Yes,” you finally managed to squeak out, “Yes,” you repeated, and he slipped the ring onto your finger. 

He started to try and stand again, but looked up at you, “Little help?” He whispered, and you laughed, dropping out of the chair and into the sand so you could kiss him. Rafael made little noise of surprise, but quickly recovered, returning the kiss with vigor. “Okay,” breathlessly, he shifted around so he could press his lips to the hollow of your neck. You gripped his shoulders, steadying yourself. “Let’s go for a walk,” he whispered. You nodded, pushing yourself up and helping him as well. He curled an arm around your waist, digging his wallet out with his other hand. Ryan returned setting the champagne on the table for you. Rafael kissed your cheek, whispered quietly with Ryan for a few moments and handed him some cash before picking up a candle and his champagne. You took your glass, following him out onto the white sand of the beach. 

“Where are we headed?” You asked softly, but Rafael just looked and smiled at you again, “Stop it with the surprises,” you whispered with a laugh, 

“Oh calm down, you’ll see soon,” he chuckled. You walked in comfortable silence for a while before a little lifeguard tower came into view. Rafael smiled and climbed through the wooden planks, and as you followed, the dark of night was penetrated by the soft glow of candles he was in the process of lighting. There were a few towels on the ground for you to lay on, candles scattered throughout. Rafael sat down taking off his Sperrys and beckoning you over. You leaned into his arms, “I thought we might end up out here, I liked the view,” the two of you sipped champagne and listened to the sounds of the waves for a while, “Does this feel a little fast to you?” He finally asked softly. You looked up at him curiously, 

“I mean a little, but not too fast. I meant yes when I said it,” you replied lacing your fingers in his. 

“Right, I know, it uh, it sounds kind of silly now, but I really wasn’t sure if you were going to say yes,” Rafael admitted, still seemingly in awe. You pulled him in for a kiss, lips moving gently against his, 

“Well this makes telling the D.A. That much easier,” you whispered between kisses. Rafael hummed in agreement, 

“Despite what Sonny said to you, I’m not so sure everyone has guessed we’re dating, so this may come as a bit of a shock to the squad,” you frowned, waiting for him to explain why, “Just last week, Liv was not so subtly hinting at me going out with one of her friends,” 

“Well did you tell her you were already mine?” you said with a giggle, starting to toy with his shirt. He crowded you, lips going for your collarbone and neck again.   
“No, I wasn’t sure that would go over so well,” he chuckled. You threaded your fingers through his hair, throwing your head back to bare your throat to him. You felt his lips curl into a smile against your skin, tongue and teeth working over your pulse point. 

“Liv of all people wouldn’t care,” You gasped, “She’s been involved with other detectives, and an IAB investigator, I even heard she dated an EADA for a while. She wouldn’t judge us,” 

“Maybe you’re right,” he whispered, coming back up for a real kiss. You could feel his heart pounding, and as he looked at you with loving eyes, his hands running over the skin he could get to, you felt pang of arousal. You wanted him. You started to pull at his shirt, slipping buttons through their holes and biting your lip. He visibly gulped and you could feel his cock twitch against your leg. “You really want to?” he asked softly, “Not just because I proposed?” 

“I want you Rafi,” you whispered, “I promise,” his eyes darkened, hips jerking towards you to get some friction. 

“What’ll it be? Fingers? My mouth?” Rafael whispered by your ear and he reached around to unzip your dress. You reached down and squeezed him, 

“Neither,” you whispered, you wanted to try. It had been so long. He groaned from deep in his throat, tucking his face against your neck and thrust his hips against your leg again. 

“Alright,” He murmured, “Just, uh, I didn’t bring a—“ 

“I’m on the pill Raf,” you assured him, still pulling at his shirt. He stilled you, his brow furrowing, 

“You’re on the pill? Why?” You looked away, not wanting to tell him, 

“We’ll talk about it later, don’t ruin the mood,” You cupped his jaw, thumb rubbing across his cheek and pulling him down to meet your lips. He let you finish unbuttoning his shirt this time, shrugging it off and resumed his effort to get you out of your little dress. He kissed your skin inch by inch as he got to it, setting the dress and your lacy bra beside you with his shirt. His skin was warm against you, a slight sheen of sweat beginning to form. 

“I’m gonna make you feel so good,” he whispered, hooking his fingers in your panties and dragging them down your hips. Tongue swirling around dusty, rose colored nipples, dragging skin lightly between his teeth to wring out gasps, Rafael had you like puddy in his hands in no time. Your fingers shook as you tried to unbutton his pants, and he was gently touching your arm and pressing kisses against your neck and your face, obviously sensing you needed a little reassurance. You pushed his shorts down off his hips and he managed to slip them the rest of the way off, leaving him in his boxer briefs. The soft glow cast a gentle light on his face, and as he smiled at you, you felt like you were in a dream. It wouldn’t be the first time you had dreamt of him. It was all too perfect, could something that good actually happen to you? He stole your thoughts away when his lips started to make their way down your body, accompanied by gentle touches of his hands across your skin. His name fell from your lips when he got to work between your legs, his tongue moving in broad strokes over your clit. 

“God Raf,” you whispered, “What are you-“

“Shush and enjoy it,” he said with a laugh. Your back arched when he found your sweet spot with his fingers, and he had you shuddering and clutching his hair in no time as you rode out your release. He kissed you after that, on your lips and then your face before leaning down by your ear, “How do you want me? On your back, hands and knees, you could be on top, whatever you need darling,” 

“Let’s just keep it simple, on my back,” you murmured, breathlessly.

“Anything else you want to talk about before we do this?” He stroked your cheek gently, 

“Just, uh, I need you to talk to me, and I want to look at your eyes to try and keep myself grounded,” 

“I can do that, promise you’ll be honest with me?” Rafael whispered, shifting back onto his knees so he could pull off his boxer briefs. You nodded. Rafael grabbed one of the towels, drawing it up over the two of you, 

“Don’t want anyone catching sight of your ass?” You whispered, laughing. Rafael snorted, 

“Imagine that, two Manhattan DAs get arrested in Hawaii for public lewdness, together,” he dropped his head against your shoulder, kissing it and shaking with laughter.

“Wouldn’t even have to disclose then,” you added. Rafael braced himself with one hand by your head, 

“Yes, well I don’t think that would be favorable considering we would probably be fined and possibly get community service or a suspended sentence,” he wrapped a hand around himself, stroking a few times; he looked achingly hard, precome leaking onto his stomach. “You ready?” You nodded, pulling him into a kiss, and grabbing his arm as he began to push inside you. You gasped at the stretch but the sound was muffled by his hungry yet soft lips. The tension in his muscles was palpable, he was forcing himself to take it easy. He was big, bigger than you’d realized, and considering it had been a long time since you had sex, you were grateful for his steady yet slow pace. “Doing good?” he whispered, lips moving over your cheeks and to your neck. 

“Yeah, just uh, I’m gonna need a minute,” you replied. He kept his thrusts shallow, slowly helping you adjust to his size as he worked his way fully inside of you.

“You feel so perfect, oh my God,” he muttered, his eyes almost black with lust. You felt the heat in your stomach beginning to build up, 

“Move,” he smiled at your request and his hips began to pump a little faster, rocking into you, the wet sound of his breathing and your whines accompanying the ever present crash of waves hitting sand. It hadn’t taken him long to find that spot inside of you and hit it with almost every jerk of his hips, your fingers scratching down his back. Your back arched, pelvis rising off the ground to meet his thrusts, soft sounds of pleasure falling from both your mouths. Rafael let out small strings of what sounded like Spanish profanity every now and then, his arms shaking as he kept the rhythm slow and easy. He shifted around to cup one of your breasts, lips by your ear, and you closed your eyes, anxiety starting to build up, 

“No, no, look up here at me Y/N,” he whispered, sensing your sudden distress, “Look right here, I’ve got you,” You forced your eyes open, the focusing on Rafael and the icy terror started to recede. “That’s it,” he murmured, “Kiss me, you do it,” You ran your thumb over his jaw, pulling him down to your lips. He hummed against your mouth, only opening up when you ran your tongue over his lip. The simple gesture of letting you take control helped to calm you down. “Good?” he murmured breathlessly. You nodded, “I should ask you to do that more often, you’re a good kisser,” you laughed at his whispered words. You locked your legs around his waist, hands scrambling to find a hold on him as he sent a jolt of pleasure down your spine. The muscles of his back flexed under your palms, but then he dropped down to his elbows, face resting between your breasts, slowing down for a few seconds. 

“What are you-” 

“Shhh,” he muttered, “I’m close, give me a second, I need-I want to last longer,” he was whispering something incoherently, but you couldn’t help laughing when you realized he was reciting word for word the hate crime statute. “Don’t laugh at me,” he said, sounding slightly defensive, but the effect was ruined when he laughed softly himself. He pushed back up bracing himself with one hand while he began to lazily rock into you again. His other hand was trailing across your sweat soaked skin, and between your heated bodies to rub gentle circles on your clit. You gasped, hips rising and back arching. Finally, after what felt like forever, you tensed, shuddering and groaning his name as you came for the second time that night. Rafael was starting to get desperate, his face flushed with exertion as he started thrusting haphazardly, hips snapping against yours. “You’re so tight,” he practically groaned against your neck, movements growing messier by the second. The loud whine that escaped his throat was muffled against your skin. You threaded your fingers through his locks, 

“C’mon Rafi, come for me darling,” you whispered. With a choked moan, he shuddered and came inside you, collapsing down into your arms. He regained his bearings in a few moments, gently pulling out and rolling onto his back beside you. You snuggled into his side, shutting your eyes as his fingers ran through your hair. 

“You’re incredible,” he whispered, rolling over to throw an arm over your waist. 

“Thank you for everything tonight Raf,” you murmured, feeling drowsy. He hummed behind you, lips pressing against your damp hair. 

“Let’s rest for a bit and then we need to head back to the hotel. I don’t want to get caught out here,” Rafael whispered against your hair. He was warm like a human space heater, making you feel all cozy. You felt so loved by him, you could barely breathe when you thought about it. He ran his hands up and down your skin, lips ghosting over your shoulder and neck. You started to shake with soft sobs, feeling so stupid for crying, again. It was a miracle Rafael hadn’t left you for being too unstable and clingy. “Hey, what-are you okay?” he whispered, arms tightening around you. 

“I don’t deserve you, or any of this,” you whispered, 

“No, no, no Y/N, you do deserve all of this,” he assured you, pushing himself up on his elbow. 

“I feel so-I still feel so dirty Rafael, but somehow you look at me like I’m your whole world,” His lips helped to make you feel better, but they didn’t dry your tears. 

“He doesn’t get to do that to you Y/N, he hurt you, but he didn’t permanently damage you. You’re more than what he did,” Rafael nudged you onto your back to look at him, “You look right here at me, am I lying?” You tried to curl into his chest so you could just cry, but he wouldn’t let you, grabbing your wrists and looking into your eyes, “No, Y/N, listen to me,” his grip was tight, your wrists aching as you struggled. 

“Stop it Rafi, that hurts,” you whispered, and he immediately freed your hands, looking slightly mortified. 

“I-I’m sorry,” his voice was barely audible. He wasn’t touching you at all anymore, but rather sitting up and starting to pull his shirt back on. 

“Wait-” you tried to stop him, but he either didn’t hear or ignored you because he had slipped into his boxers briefs and crawled out from under the lifeguard stand before you knew what was going on. You sat up and wrapped the towel around yourself, crying softly. What had you just done? The dark outline of a hunched figure sitting out on the beach was barely visible. You sniffled, wiping your eyes and struggling back into your dress to go find him and fix this. “Rafi,” his choked gasps grew louder and louder as you approached him. You had never seen him fall apart like this. His head was leaning against his knees, the heart wrenching sound of sobs filling the air as his chest heaved. You knelt beside him, “Rafael,” you reached out to pat his arm, but he yanked away like you had burned him, 

“Don’t, don’t come near me, I-I,” he sounded tortured. You gulped softly, how did he manage to talk you off the ledge all the time. 

“Rafael, focus on my voice, it’s okay, you didn’t hurt me,” he wasn’t listening though, he was curled in on himself, hyperventilating and shivering. You tentatively reached out, “Darling, I’m going to touch you okay, just on your back,” he didn’t flinch this time when you rubbed a hand up and down his shoulder. You carefully shifted around to wrap your arms around him, “I’m gonna hold you Rafa,” 

“No,” he insisted, “Don’t-I’m a monster,” You stiffened at his statement, 

“You are not a monster,” you insisted, hugging him despite his protests, your hands grazing across the skin of his exposed stomach and chest, “Geez Rafael, you’re freezing,” his skin was clammy and ice cold and he was shuddering in your arms. You were thankful you had snagged a towel on the way out, and you wrapped it around his shoulders, gently buttoning up his shirt and holding him. He was stiff as a board, muttering something incoherently under his breath over and over again. You weren’t sure if he was crying, but he was still breathing heavily. You stroked his chest, “Listen to my breathing Raf, listen to it and try to match it,” He leaned into your touch when you stroked his hair and you could see the glistening tears on his cheeks. “Hey, don’t cry, you are not a monster Rafael, I promise,” 

“I hurt you,” he whispered miserably, “I’m disgusting, and somehow you’re the one comforting me,” 

“You’re giving yourself too much credit, it’s not even going to bruise,” you replied, nuzzling your face against his neck, “I’m going to put a hand on your stomach, just breathe deeply,” 

“I don’t care Y/N, I don’t give a fuck if it bruises, I still did it,” he exclaimed, not helping the situation at all. He tried to wriggle out of your arms and get away again, but you tightened your hold on him, 

“Stop it Rafi,” You hissed, “Please just relax,” he finally stilled, slumping over and starting to sob. “Shhh, c’mon, it’s okay,” 

“I promised myself I would never-I tried to tell myself I was different than him,” 

“You are different than him Rafael, if your father had just done that, what would he be doing right now?” You asked, deciding to deal with the root of the problem in the hopes that he would calm down after that, 

“Drinking,” he said softly, “Maybe laughing, hurting you more,” 

“And you are having a panic attack, you are literally crying. You are nothing like him. You were just trying to talk to me, I was fighting you and you grabbed my arm, you didn’t hit me, you didn’t take a swing at me, or kick me, or anything of the sort Rafael. It was an accident,” You murmured in his ear, fingers ghosting across his back, “Shh,” he was gasping in breaths and shaking still, “How are you feeling?” he snorted softly despite himself, “I meant physically Rafael,” 

“My chest is tight,” he whispered, “And my head is pounding,” The wheezing noise coming from him concerned you, 

“Okay, let’s stop talking and just breathe,” You stroked a hand over his forehead and through his hair, pulling him back to rest against your chest, “In for four, out for four. Feel my breathing,” He finally, finally relaxed against you, his eyes squeezed closed. He was trying to calm down, but you could tell but it wasn’t helping. You reached around, putting a hand against his stomach, pressing in as he breathed in and out. His breathing evened out, dissolving into short gasps and then finally normalizing. You leaned forward, lips meeting his forehead. 

“Well this kind of sucks,” he whispered, “I ruined everything,” 

“You ruined nothing,” you countered. The soft noise of disbelief from Rafael made it glaringly obvious that he didn’t believe you. “Oh shut up, I had a good time tonight, we’re engaged Rafi. Smile and get it through your thick skull that I don’t care about what happened earlier, that it was nothing more than an accident, and you are still marrying me,” 

“I am, am I?” he laughed, reaching up to wipe his eyes. 

“Mhm,” you murmured, “And you’re gonna like it,” Rafael started to push himself up into a sitting position, but you grabbed him, “No, no, no, you are going to lay here for a bit longer,” 

“Well someone is bossy all the sudden,” he joked, but he complied with your wishes. He started stroking your wrists gently, “I know you want me to drop it, but I want to say I’m sorry again, please,” 

“If it makes you feel better, I accept your apology, but there really is nothing to be saying sorry for,” His eyes were fixated on your ring now, and you couldn’t help but smile, “Is this what you’ve been sneaking around about the last few weeks because you were really making me nervous,” 

“I made you nervous?” he sounded concerned, “And why in the world are you on birth control?”

“It’s me being embarrassingly stupid and insecure Rafael, nothing to worry about,” You whispered, hoping he would let it go, but Rafael wasn’t stupid and he was incredibly stubborn,

“You thought I was cheating?” he asked gently, not sounding upset. 

“It crossed my mind, I knew you wouldn’t, but like I said, embarrassingly insecure,” you honestly replied. Rafael turned to look up at you, “It’s ridiculous, I know,” you whispered, not meeting his eyes. 

“Hey now, it’s not ridiculous. I can’t say I wouldn’t consider it if I was in your shoes, but you didn’t say anything or overreact. I appreciate that you trusted me enough to not fly off the handle,” he assured you. 

“That’s not trust Rafi, I should trust you enough to not have even considered it. You’ve never done anything to warrant that thought,” you whispered. Rafael stroked your arm,

“Y/N, someone shattered your trust once, don’t beat yourself up over this,” He pulled out of your arms, and this time you let him, “Let’s head back to the car. We can cuddle in bed at the hotel,” you nodded, helping him gather up the towels and candles and clean up the beach area. On the walk back, he asked again, “Wanna tell me about the birth control now?” you sighed, not knowing how to avoid the question a third time. 

“It’s incase I would get-look I had a two day scare where I thought Casey had gotten me pregnant. If that ever happened again, I wanted to be prepared,” you kept your eyes glued to your feet. Rafael stepped closer, wrapping an arm around you which made you feel a bit better about his mental state at the moment. 

“You’re scared you’re gonna get raped again?” he asked softly, his voice raising an octave as he spoke. You curled in on yourself, trying to pull from his grasp. You felt so small, so silly, and as always when you thought of what Casey Mitchell had done to you, so ashamed. You couldn’t bear to look at his face, to see the concern that was always etched on his features at times like this. His eyes would sparkle with unshed tears, red rimmed, the worry lines on his face scrunched together as his brow furrowed. Rafael wordlessly let you go, but stayed close to your side as you walked towards the car. 

“I’m overcompensating, I know,” you finally admitted in a small voice. 

“I wasn’t going to say that,” Rafael whispered, “I’m in no place to make any judgements about how you choose to cope Y/N. Of course, that’s excluding anything harmful,” you looked up, feeling some of the burning shame receding. You were so sure he’d be quick to chastise you, to tell you how silly you were acting. How was it that he always said the right things? Why did you always assume he wouldn’t? You looked down at your hand again and saw the little ring, and you could think of every sweet word he ever said to you, feel every soft touch and all of the emotions that accompanied being around him when you looked at it, a sense of calm sweeping over you. How did you get so lucky? 

“You ruined nothing,” you whispered, and for a moment, he looked like he was confused, but then he just looked away, “You put me back together Rafi, you ruined nothing,” the unshed tears in his eyes stabbed at your heart. You grabbed his hand, 

“And you’ve kept me glued in one piece Y/N,” His statement meant more to you than he could possibly know. You had felt like you were leaning on Rafael too much. You hated to burden him with everything you were going through. A relationship was supposed to be equal and you felt like you were taking a lot more than you were giving. The rest of the walk was quiet. You made a mental note of Rafael’s still shaking hand but didn’t comment. The ride back was long, but you leaned against him, your eyes shut, and daydreamed about your wedding. 

“How’s your chest?” you asked softly after a while of listening to his steady heartbeat. He shifted around to press his lips to the top of your head, 

“Fine, fine, it was just a panic attack,” he replied drowsily, “I had a couple when I was in law school, so I know myself,” You were half asleep on the walk up to the room. Rafael opened the door for you and turned on the light. You spent a good five minutes staring at your ring. It was the first real good look you got, and you weren’t disappointed. It was absolutely stunning with a heart cut diamond that sparkled in the rose gold setting and band. He had obviously paid a lot of money for it, “From the look on your face, you seem to like it as much as I thought you would,” Rafael whispered, leaning down to kiss your neck as he wrapped his arms around you. 

“You did really good,” you replied quietly. 

“Don’t sound so surprised Y/N,” he teased, “I’m glad you like it,” As the two of you climbed into bed, curling up in eachother’s arms, you realized you weren’t dreading returning to New York anymore. Now you had something to look forward to. With Rafael, you had a future.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments would mean a lot to me if you feel so inclined! Thanks for taking the time to read :)


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